Well today is just a normal day did errands, laundry, picked up and mowed the lawn. Still more to do tomorrow, but there always is. I did not stay up all that late last night but found that I could not get myself out of bed until 11:30 this morning...I think depression has definitely set in. I am constantly sad wishing for a different result. I never wanted to get divorced I just wanted my happy little family, but I did not get that. Now do not misunderstand I have the choice to keep my little family as it is, but then I sit there and wonder what kind of life would I have. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on egg shells for fear that something I say or do will cause my husband to blow up. Things tended to build up with him until he could not stand it anymore and he just let loose...problem was that he tended to also say some very hurtful things. It usually seemed that he would be nice as long as things were going his way and he was getting what he wanted, but the moment he did not like things then he became almost mean. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion...some of those who know him like his family would say so but this is how it felt to be me. So as I sit here and think about the life I really want this does not include feeling like crap or feeling that I cannot do anything without letting him know. He says it was not that he wanted me to ask permission but that he just wanted to be included in my life...I get it but even if he did not like what I was thinking of doing if I wanted to do it I would and then the issue would be that I did not take his opinion into account and did what I wanted to do anyway.
I have been with him for 13 years total and even though I try to not get all poor me I do sit there and wonder sometimes "why me?" Was the plan for me to go through all I went through with him in order to find myself again? Was it for me to have my babies because I really only ever wanted to be a mommy and not a wife? Do I not want to be a wife? I don't know. What I do know is I want someone to love me for me, someone who is an introvert like me, someone whose love language is service like mine is, someone who also has children because I then know they understand what is involved, someone who respects me and will hug me rather than grab my butt, someone who values who I am and what I can do, someone who puts positivity out into the world, someone who can just be...I want someone who is satisfied with just being...I would love to be with someone whose idea of a perfect night is sitting on the couch watching a movie or each reading and just satisfied with being near each other, no talking is needed.
I am kinda scared at the idea of getting out there. I think who is really available in their late 30's early 40's...I suppose divorced dads and maybe I can find someone who completely meshes with me. My dream would be that my husband works on what he needs to and magically becomes the man I need and then we bring our little family back together. This is but a dream. I know it will be hard when he moves on for me to deal with. he will likely move on before I do and that is okay I do want him to be happy but the idea of being alone is scary. I have my boys and will place all my attention on them but those weekends when they are with him and I am alone those are the moments right now I dread. My goal is to discover more about me. I want to learn to meditate and gain even more self confidence...self confidence is sexy from what I have heard...I could use all the help I can get :-)
I need to look into seeing if there is some kind of class or activity I can get involved in, get me out meeting new people and all that. Hum I will have to think about that.
What I do know right now is that this will be difficult but doable and I have become so much stronger than I used to be and can handle so much more than before. I have learned what I will and will not deal with...I just don't want to turn into the crazy old cat lady...
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Back at it again...
Day 1)
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be. We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading. I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce. We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple. In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable. He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc. He is trying to keep me from going through with it. I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved. I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around. Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out. I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later. So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode. I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth. I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back. Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children??? I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen. What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be. We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading. I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce. We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple. In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable. He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc. He is trying to keep me from going through with it. I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved. I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around. Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out. I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later. So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode. I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth. I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back. Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children??? I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen. What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Things around me
I am amazed how a blog by someone I have never met has changed my view on life. Life is about the here and now, not the tomorrow or next year. Tomorrow we could be gone and what would I have to show for it, completed laundry washed dishes or beautiful memories with my Connor, Liam and Reilly. Today is my birthday, a year older, and I am completely thankful for the friends I have. I am amazed that they would take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. Not because I don't think they would or should but because such a small thing has brought such a smile to my face and to my heart. The past two weeks have been eye opening. I no longer take for granted the time I have with my boys. I get to know them and play with them and just love them with all my might.
This blog has also reinforced my faith that was struggling. I have prayed just about every night for the last two weeks thanking God for this day he gave me with my boys and family and asking that he might be so generous tomorrow. I ask him to watch over an 8 month old baby who went with him too soon but has created this change in me. I ask him to watch over this baby's family that their pain may ease and they find peace. I ask him to watch over my parents, my siblings, Shawn, my children, Shawn Bryant, my in-laws etc. I have never believed more that things happen for a reason. I wait patiently to be able to order a necklace that some proceeds will go to a benefit in the name of the 8 month old. This will not only keep this child forever in my thoughts but also remind me daily to take nothing for granted and to be strong in my faith.
Today I celebrate another year of being a daughter, sister, friend, wife and mother. I feel so full of love and of life, thank you for that.
This blog has also reinforced my faith that was struggling. I have prayed just about every night for the last two weeks thanking God for this day he gave me with my boys and family and asking that he might be so generous tomorrow. I ask him to watch over an 8 month old baby who went with him too soon but has created this change in me. I ask him to watch over this baby's family that their pain may ease and they find peace. I ask him to watch over my parents, my siblings, Shawn, my children, Shawn Bryant, my in-laws etc. I have never believed more that things happen for a reason. I wait patiently to be able to order a necklace that some proceeds will go to a benefit in the name of the 8 month old. This will not only keep this child forever in my thoughts but also remind me daily to take nothing for granted and to be strong in my faith.
Today I celebrate another year of being a daughter, sister, friend, wife and mother. I feel so full of love and of life, thank you for that.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Today July 17, 11
Wow it has been a long time since I posted anything. Life has been a bit busy. Shawn and I are still separated and still splitting time with the boys. It will be a year in two months and 2 days...cannot believe this as it does not seem that long, at least for me. Sometimes I get excited thinking about reuniting our family, then there are those days where I am glad that we are not back together yet. Honestly, I like living alone (the only adult). The house is set up the way I want it, I don't have to compromise about anything and the only stress at home is when the boys are not listening.
Once there is reunification things will change dramatically I feel. There will need to be something set up where we alternate getting up with the boys on the weekends...if the responsiblity remains solely mine I will get a bit pissy because that is how is was before. I know right now I am a bit pissy because I am hormonal...maybe some ice cream will help...I have no real reason to be except that I did not get much sleep last night and my monthly visitor will be arriving in a couple of days.
Yesterday was Shawn's mom's birthday and today they are going to eat chinease food (a tradition). Shawn stated that I was invited to go if I would like but I am just not ready for that. I honestly have enjoyed not having the stress of dealing with all that. Shawn has told me a few months ago that his mom would talk shit about me and I don't care but I also have chosen to stay away from people who are like that. I don't need nor want someone to be nice to my face and when I am gone turn around and be shitty. Life is too short to deal with that and I choose not to. Even my dad who is extremely protective and honestly does have a right in a way to be critical of Shawn (due to what I have been through) does not talk shit about him. At the very begining of being separated dad did, but he has heard the good things that Shawn has been doing and turning his life around and no longer does he say things.
Anyways I am sure in a few days I will be in a much better mood but right now BLAH!! The boys are well. Reilly is cutting his second tooth so he is a bit fussy. Liam is potty training and doing a great job, I am so proud and so excited to hopefully soon only be purchasing diapers for Reilly. The boys are growing up. In the Fall Connor will attend Kindergarden and next year pre-school for Liam. I am so lucky to have my beautiful boys, though they drive me mad some days ;-) Off to relax and prepare to go back to work tomorrow...it was a productive vacation just wish it was a bit longer!
Once there is reunification things will change dramatically I feel. There will need to be something set up where we alternate getting up with the boys on the weekends...if the responsiblity remains solely mine I will get a bit pissy because that is how is was before. I know right now I am a bit pissy because I am hormonal...maybe some ice cream will help...I have no real reason to be except that I did not get much sleep last night and my monthly visitor will be arriving in a couple of days.
Yesterday was Shawn's mom's birthday and today they are going to eat chinease food (a tradition). Shawn stated that I was invited to go if I would like but I am just not ready for that. I honestly have enjoyed not having the stress of dealing with all that. Shawn has told me a few months ago that his mom would talk shit about me and I don't care but I also have chosen to stay away from people who are like that. I don't need nor want someone to be nice to my face and when I am gone turn around and be shitty. Life is too short to deal with that and I choose not to. Even my dad who is extremely protective and honestly does have a right in a way to be critical of Shawn (due to what I have been through) does not talk shit about him. At the very begining of being separated dad did, but he has heard the good things that Shawn has been doing and turning his life around and no longer does he say things.
Anyways I am sure in a few days I will be in a much better mood but right now BLAH!! The boys are well. Reilly is cutting his second tooth so he is a bit fussy. Liam is potty training and doing a great job, I am so proud and so excited to hopefully soon only be purchasing diapers for Reilly. The boys are growing up. In the Fall Connor will attend Kindergarden and next year pre-school for Liam. I am so lucky to have my beautiful boys, though they drive me mad some days ;-) Off to relax and prepare to go back to work tomorrow...it was a productive vacation just wish it was a bit longer!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Dec 31, 2010
Happy New Years to everyone. I cannot believe this year is just about over. So much has happened this year that I just cannot believe it. I am happy to say that I am happy right now today. I have beautiful boys that I love very much and I have realized that I am a strong woman who can do whatever she needs to do to make things work. I am so excited for 2011 to see how that year shapes up. I know that no matter what happens I will be okay.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Dec 10, 2010
Things so far have been going pretty well. I have begun to embed myself in Al-Anon. I have purchased my first book to read which has been very interesting and have attended my first open AA meeting. Al-Anon encourages this so that I might be able to understand a bit more about alcoholism, hear the alcoholics story to try to obtain compassion for the alcoholic. The story I heard last night just left me with only one thought, wow. To hear someone say that they did not care what came in their way or who came in their way, nothing was going to keep them from their drink. It overtook her mind and thoughts to the point of having no control over it. So I wonder was this how it was with Shawn. I know he drank to deal with and silence his mind and bury emotions. Drinking is the outward manifestation of alcoholism so rather than dealing with his emotions he would drink to silence them. All the while knowing that he should not be doing this but not caring or maybe not even thinking about who it hurt. There was one fella who mentioned that his mind does not work like other people's, Shawn has also mentioned something to this effect. I wonder what it is in the brain that is not working like everyone else's? I need to research...
So this has been a very interesting start to my journey with Al-Anon. I love the people there and I can see how this can be a great support as I will see them 2-3 times per week plus at this time speak with my sponsor everyday. I am excited to work the same steps as an AA and to take inventory of myself. See what part I may have played great or small and learn to relate to Shawn or any AA in a more positive way.
I have the boys this weekend, it will be nice to have them home. Shawn will likely take the other two for sleigh rides maybe tomorrow?? I need to get some more craft stuff so that we can do crafty things when they are here instead of just watching movies and whatnot. There is a holiday deal at the OKC downtown library this Sunday and I would love to take them to it but it is downtown OKC and having Connor and Liam loose kinda freaks me out a little. It sucks because I want to be able to take them to do stuff like that but if it were in Norman or Noble then I would have no problem but in OKC it just scares me to think about taking them up there as there will surely be a lot of people (as it is a free event) and I feel ill equipped to handle them within a large crowd...I would take the stroller but if there are a lot of people then it will be difficult to maneuver it around (I noticed this when I took Connor and Liam to the weather center in Norman and had the stroller and I figure the library deal will be similar). Anyways so far so good and I pray that this continues.
So this has been a very interesting start to my journey with Al-Anon. I love the people there and I can see how this can be a great support as I will see them 2-3 times per week plus at this time speak with my sponsor everyday. I am excited to work the same steps as an AA and to take inventory of myself. See what part I may have played great or small and learn to relate to Shawn or any AA in a more positive way.
I have the boys this weekend, it will be nice to have them home. Shawn will likely take the other two for sleigh rides maybe tomorrow?? I need to get some more craft stuff so that we can do crafty things when they are here instead of just watching movies and whatnot. There is a holiday deal at the OKC downtown library this Sunday and I would love to take them to it but it is downtown OKC and having Connor and Liam loose kinda freaks me out a little. It sucks because I want to be able to take them to do stuff like that but if it were in Norman or Noble then I would have no problem but in OKC it just scares me to think about taking them up there as there will surely be a lot of people (as it is a free event) and I feel ill equipped to handle them within a large crowd...I would take the stroller but if there are a lot of people then it will be difficult to maneuver it around (I noticed this when I took Connor and Liam to the weather center in Norman and had the stroller and I figure the library deal will be similar). Anyways so far so good and I pray that this continues.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dec 1, 2010
So it is the first of December 2010, cannot believe that this year is almost over. I feel that 2011 will be very promising I have a feeling that good things will happen next year. Things between Shawn and I are getting easier and less weird. After my previous entry he sent me a long email explaining a bit more on things. His mom a couple of days ago stated that he has been reminded that he can only speak to me about things involving the boys...that is likely what that abrupt email was about.
Unfortunately I did not get to go to my Al-Anon meeting on Sunday as there has been a stomach bug going around and Shawn was horribly sick this weekend so we switched weekends, so I can go this Sunday. Liam got the bug and has been sick since last night. Poor baby, it makes me so sad to see him not feeling well. Hopefully it will be over quickly and hopefully neither of the other boys nor myself will get it. I do feel very positive at this moment about Shawn and I's future and I can now see how people are able to start over. You just take it very slow and eventually it comfortable to talk to each other. Last Wednesday we could not hold a conversation but this Wednesday we were able to hold a lengthy one about the boys over the phone and in time we will be able to hold a lengthy one in person.
Well off to get ready for my meeting. Until next time.
Unfortunately I did not get to go to my Al-Anon meeting on Sunday as there has been a stomach bug going around and Shawn was horribly sick this weekend so we switched weekends, so I can go this Sunday. Liam got the bug and has been sick since last night. Poor baby, it makes me so sad to see him not feeling well. Hopefully it will be over quickly and hopefully neither of the other boys nor myself will get it. I do feel very positive at this moment about Shawn and I's future and I can now see how people are able to start over. You just take it very slow and eventually it comfortable to talk to each other. Last Wednesday we could not hold a conversation but this Wednesday we were able to hold a lengthy one about the boys over the phone and in time we will be able to hold a lengthy one in person.
Well off to get ready for my meeting. Until next time.
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