This daily blogging thing is much more difficult than I initially thought. Oh well its purpose is to vent, to work through feeling and thoughts. Well today was an okay day, I was extremely tired this morning but perked up around the noon hour. I have not been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. My doctor wrote me a prescription for something that should help me fall asleep but it did not keep me asleep so I would wake up and just toss and turn mind racing. Yesterday she gave me some samples of medication for insomnia, last night I slept better but still was up a couple of times...I know it is all because of this divorce thing. I still sit there and wonder if I am doing the right thing...then I get an email or read something he put on facebook and realize yes in fact I am doing the right thing. Today he stated he does not want to be friends which I guess I would have been surprised if we would have been able to do that anyways, but he said that he does not think I am capable of turning around my selfish ways nor does he think that I want to...I really wish he could tell me how I am being selfish except for the fact that I am doing what is best for me (and honestly the boys) and for this relationship. I then proceeded to write a word document titled "the reasons I left" and proceeded to tell him unfiltered exactly what I want to say to him every time he plays victim...I am sure this is a work in progress and will help greatly with my healing and I will have to fight myself to not send it after everything is final...even though if he took it seriously and could address those issues and see his greater part in this then he might be able to give the next girl a good life. That though is not my problem to fix, I could not do that while we were together I sure as hell can not being apart.
It does take everything in me to not just lash out and spew all kinds of things at him, to tell him it is his fault that our relationship is going where it is going...if he could have controlled his temper, got over his resentments and became less selfish and self centered then we would have had a good chance...this is a lot and to be honest I would have had to do the same especially with the resentments, with the 6 years of drunken behavior 3am fights and constantly wondering if he was dead because of a car accident and towards the end praying he was...I don't know I just hope this is done quickly because the quicker we are done the quicker I can really relax and sleep...I am a total bitch when I don't get my sleep...
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
day 4 and 5???
Wow this writing everyday might be a bit difficult, anyways. Today was a good day, I was super tired this morning because I just could not sleep well last night, bought some Tylenol PM at lunch so maybe tonight...Today was uneventful which is always good, but it still seemed like the day dragged and that the week is dragging as well. Did not hear too much from him today and that is a good thing because it just makes this all the more difficult, I have this sneaking suspicion that he may be on his way to "seeing" someone else if he has not already...kind of a gut feeling I guess, but I kinda hope so because then it will make this all the easier because any feelings I have for him will disappear immediately...it will just make things again easier on my side. We shall see...I can see though how this being friends think may not pan out so well...maybe further down the road that can be achieved, who knows maybe it will be just fine only time will tell.
I am very lucky to have the support system that I have. People who are like minded and when I vent or talk about stuff they understand what I am saying and seem to feel the same way...I have many friends and family who will call me out on stuff if I am being dumb so I guess this validates my feelings or thoughts on issues. I have been sitting there re-evaluating things, looking back on past incidents which just reinforces that my move is the right one. It still sucks but it will for awhile and then I will be able to move forward sometime in the future. I know this realistically but still those doubts creep into my mind and cause anxiety...but it is what it is and it will play out how it is suppose to.
Anyways still want to sleep most of the time yet when it is time to sleep I cannot quiet my mind or if I wake up then I cannot get back to sleep. That makes it worse. I pray for some good sleep tonight. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to face what I will face and be able to do it with grace (ha that rhymed!)
I am very lucky to have the support system that I have. People who are like minded and when I vent or talk about stuff they understand what I am saying and seem to feel the same way...I have many friends and family who will call me out on stuff if I am being dumb so I guess this validates my feelings or thoughts on issues. I have been sitting there re-evaluating things, looking back on past incidents which just reinforces that my move is the right one. It still sucks but it will for awhile and then I will be able to move forward sometime in the future. I know this realistically but still those doubts creep into my mind and cause anxiety...but it is what it is and it will play out how it is suppose to.
Anyways still want to sleep most of the time yet when it is time to sleep I cannot quiet my mind or if I wake up then I cannot get back to sleep. That makes it worse. I pray for some good sleep tonight. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to face what I will face and be able to do it with grace (ha that rhymed!)
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Day 3
Today was uneventful which is usually a good thing. It is weird to want to be alone yet hate feeling alone. I went to church today and heard a good message but rather than hanging out after to talk with people I just left. I need to figure a way to be able to put myself out there. I don't know where this comes from, I need to find out. I really miss him yet I know that neither of us are in a healthy state that we would need to be...hell I don't know that we ever will be. It makes me sad but I guess this is normal, I am grieving the ending of an era the end of 13 years of love, hate, frustration, pain, remorse, anxiety the list could go on and on. The only thing that I feel I did not go through with him is him cheating on me...if I had then I would have gone through every bad thing most people would not tolerate...yet I did because I wanted my little family, I wanted to fix it but nothing I could do could make that happen. I went from one extreme to another in hopes that something would get him to see what he was doing that he needed to change. That change began almost 3 years ago and still continues as I type, I worry that he has destroyed me, being with him through all of this has permanently scarred my soul my mind. Will I be able to really trust someone again to really let someone in, to make myself vulnerable again? I don't know, I hope to be able to do so otherwise if we were looking at this as some type of recovering competition, he wins.
I was reading about co-dependency earlier and saw how co-dependent I was and how much I struggle with currently. I know this and the first step is to see this, recognize this and then work on being able to have a healthy relationship...what is that though? I am so used to what I was used to that the whole concept seems foreign to me. What does that look like? I know the type of relationship he tried to have and still wants with someone someday is not healthy, he seems to want to be suffocated with love, to be someone's everything, to be their center...something that I know I cannot ever be. Where to begin, maybe I already have by starting this and getting all the crap that swims in my head out, out where I can re-read it and realize how far I have come several months down the road. He has begun to work out at a gym, no doubt to get him in shape to make it easier to pick up chicks...kinda hard knowing this but it is what it is. I wish magic could just take the pain and hurt away to make me numb if only for a minute, to be able to not think about what could have been what might have been what was already...
I know that I need to go through the process and grieve properly in order to heal but I still will go back to why me...this is not fair...and I know that it is not and that life is not fair, and I know there is a reason why I had to go through this to maybe become the person I am suppose to be? Ah it just sucks, I feel so lost right now. I have been told it is the darkest before the light comes and I hold onto the fact that one day the light will come and I will be able to be peaceful, be open, be the real me completely. How do I do that, how do I find that, how does this work? How can I make this panic leave my body, leave my heart and my mind. How can I make myself believe it will be okay...I have done this on my own thing for 3 years now so nothing should be different right? Ideally yes but in the back of my mind I knew that he and I would work it out so really I was not alone, I still felt some security knowing that once we ironed out a few issues we would be okay and living back together again. Now that this is not going to happen I must face my fear of being alone, yes I have my boys and they are with me essentially half of the month but that part of me that yearns for a real relationship a real partner will probably only get worse before I am comfortable with the idea of honestly being alone. Then and only then will I be healthy enough to try again...damn I need to find a hobby.
I was reading about co-dependency earlier and saw how co-dependent I was and how much I struggle with currently. I know this and the first step is to see this, recognize this and then work on being able to have a healthy relationship...what is that though? I am so used to what I was used to that the whole concept seems foreign to me. What does that look like? I know the type of relationship he tried to have and still wants with someone someday is not healthy, he seems to want to be suffocated with love, to be someone's everything, to be their center...something that I know I cannot ever be. Where to begin, maybe I already have by starting this and getting all the crap that swims in my head out, out where I can re-read it and realize how far I have come several months down the road. He has begun to work out at a gym, no doubt to get him in shape to make it easier to pick up chicks...kinda hard knowing this but it is what it is. I wish magic could just take the pain and hurt away to make me numb if only for a minute, to be able to not think about what could have been what might have been what was already...
I know that I need to go through the process and grieve properly in order to heal but I still will go back to why me...this is not fair...and I know that it is not and that life is not fair, and I know there is a reason why I had to go through this to maybe become the person I am suppose to be? Ah it just sucks, I feel so lost right now. I have been told it is the darkest before the light comes and I hold onto the fact that one day the light will come and I will be able to be peaceful, be open, be the real me completely. How do I do that, how do I find that, how does this work? How can I make this panic leave my body, leave my heart and my mind. How can I make myself believe it will be okay...I have done this on my own thing for 3 years now so nothing should be different right? Ideally yes but in the back of my mind I knew that he and I would work it out so really I was not alone, I still felt some security knowing that once we ironed out a few issues we would be okay and living back together again. Now that this is not going to happen I must face my fear of being alone, yes I have my boys and they are with me essentially half of the month but that part of me that yearns for a real relationship a real partner will probably only get worse before I am comfortable with the idea of honestly being alone. Then and only then will I be healthy enough to try again...damn I need to find a hobby.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Day 2
Well today is just a normal day did errands, laundry, picked up and mowed the lawn. Still more to do tomorrow, but there always is. I did not stay up all that late last night but found that I could not get myself out of bed until 11:30 this morning...I think depression has definitely set in. I am constantly sad wishing for a different result. I never wanted to get divorced I just wanted my happy little family, but I did not get that. Now do not misunderstand I have the choice to keep my little family as it is, but then I sit there and wonder what kind of life would I have. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on egg shells for fear that something I say or do will cause my husband to blow up. Things tended to build up with him until he could not stand it anymore and he just let loose...problem was that he tended to also say some very hurtful things. It usually seemed that he would be nice as long as things were going his way and he was getting what he wanted, but the moment he did not like things then he became almost mean. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion...some of those who know him like his family would say so but this is how it felt to be me. So as I sit here and think about the life I really want this does not include feeling like crap or feeling that I cannot do anything without letting him know. He says it was not that he wanted me to ask permission but that he just wanted to be included in my life...I get it but even if he did not like what I was thinking of doing if I wanted to do it I would and then the issue would be that I did not take his opinion into account and did what I wanted to do anyway.
I have been with him for 13 years total and even though I try to not get all poor me I do sit there and wonder sometimes "why me?" Was the plan for me to go through all I went through with him in order to find myself again? Was it for me to have my babies because I really only ever wanted to be a mommy and not a wife? Do I not want to be a wife? I don't know. What I do know is I want someone to love me for me, someone who is an introvert like me, someone whose love language is service like mine is, someone who also has children because I then know they understand what is involved, someone who respects me and will hug me rather than grab my butt, someone who values who I am and what I can do, someone who puts positivity out into the world, someone who can just be...I want someone who is satisfied with just being...I would love to be with someone whose idea of a perfect night is sitting on the couch watching a movie or each reading and just satisfied with being near each other, no talking is needed.
I am kinda scared at the idea of getting out there. I think who is really available in their late 30's early 40's...I suppose divorced dads and maybe I can find someone who completely meshes with me. My dream would be that my husband works on what he needs to and magically becomes the man I need and then we bring our little family back together. This is but a dream. I know it will be hard when he moves on for me to deal with. he will likely move on before I do and that is okay I do want him to be happy but the idea of being alone is scary. I have my boys and will place all my attention on them but those weekends when they are with him and I am alone those are the moments right now I dread. My goal is to discover more about me. I want to learn to meditate and gain even more self confidence...self confidence is sexy from what I have heard...I could use all the help I can get :-)
I need to look into seeing if there is some kind of class or activity I can get involved in, get me out meeting new people and all that. Hum I will have to think about that.
What I do know right now is that this will be difficult but doable and I have become so much stronger than I used to be and can handle so much more than before. I have learned what I will and will not deal with...I just don't want to turn into the crazy old cat lady...
I have been with him for 13 years total and even though I try to not get all poor me I do sit there and wonder sometimes "why me?" Was the plan for me to go through all I went through with him in order to find myself again? Was it for me to have my babies because I really only ever wanted to be a mommy and not a wife? Do I not want to be a wife? I don't know. What I do know is I want someone to love me for me, someone who is an introvert like me, someone whose love language is service like mine is, someone who also has children because I then know they understand what is involved, someone who respects me and will hug me rather than grab my butt, someone who values who I am and what I can do, someone who puts positivity out into the world, someone who can just be...I want someone who is satisfied with just being...I would love to be with someone whose idea of a perfect night is sitting on the couch watching a movie or each reading and just satisfied with being near each other, no talking is needed.
I am kinda scared at the idea of getting out there. I think who is really available in their late 30's early 40's...I suppose divorced dads and maybe I can find someone who completely meshes with me. My dream would be that my husband works on what he needs to and magically becomes the man I need and then we bring our little family back together. This is but a dream. I know it will be hard when he moves on for me to deal with. he will likely move on before I do and that is okay I do want him to be happy but the idea of being alone is scary. I have my boys and will place all my attention on them but those weekends when they are with him and I am alone those are the moments right now I dread. My goal is to discover more about me. I want to learn to meditate and gain even more self confidence...self confidence is sexy from what I have heard...I could use all the help I can get :-)
I need to look into seeing if there is some kind of class or activity I can get involved in, get me out meeting new people and all that. Hum I will have to think about that.
What I do know right now is that this will be difficult but doable and I have become so much stronger than I used to be and can handle so much more than before. I have learned what I will and will not deal with...I just don't want to turn into the crazy old cat lady...
Friday, September 13, 2013
Back at it again...
Day 1)
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be. We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading. I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce. We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple. In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable. He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc. He is trying to keep me from going through with it. I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved. I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around. Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out. I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later. So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode. I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth. I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back. Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children??? I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen. What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be. We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading. I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce. We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple. In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable. He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc. He is trying to keep me from going through with it. I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved. I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around. Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out. I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later. So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode. I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth. I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back. Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children??? I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen. What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Things around me
I am amazed how a blog by someone I have never met has changed my view on life. Life is about the here and now, not the tomorrow or next year. Tomorrow we could be gone and what would I have to show for it, completed laundry washed dishes or beautiful memories with my Connor, Liam and Reilly. Today is my birthday, a year older, and I am completely thankful for the friends I have. I am amazed that they would take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. Not because I don't think they would or should but because such a small thing has brought such a smile to my face and to my heart. The past two weeks have been eye opening. I no longer take for granted the time I have with my boys. I get to know them and play with them and just love them with all my might.
This blog has also reinforced my faith that was struggling. I have prayed just about every night for the last two weeks thanking God for this day he gave me with my boys and family and asking that he might be so generous tomorrow. I ask him to watch over an 8 month old baby who went with him too soon but has created this change in me. I ask him to watch over this baby's family that their pain may ease and they find peace. I ask him to watch over my parents, my siblings, Shawn, my children, Shawn Bryant, my in-laws etc. I have never believed more that things happen for a reason. I wait patiently to be able to order a necklace that some proceeds will go to a benefit in the name of the 8 month old. This will not only keep this child forever in my thoughts but also remind me daily to take nothing for granted and to be strong in my faith.
Today I celebrate another year of being a daughter, sister, friend, wife and mother. I feel so full of love and of life, thank you for that.
This blog has also reinforced my faith that was struggling. I have prayed just about every night for the last two weeks thanking God for this day he gave me with my boys and family and asking that he might be so generous tomorrow. I ask him to watch over an 8 month old baby who went with him too soon but has created this change in me. I ask him to watch over this baby's family that their pain may ease and they find peace. I ask him to watch over my parents, my siblings, Shawn, my children, Shawn Bryant, my in-laws etc. I have never believed more that things happen for a reason. I wait patiently to be able to order a necklace that some proceeds will go to a benefit in the name of the 8 month old. This will not only keep this child forever in my thoughts but also remind me daily to take nothing for granted and to be strong in my faith.
Today I celebrate another year of being a daughter, sister, friend, wife and mother. I feel so full of love and of life, thank you for that.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Today July 17, 11
Wow it has been a long time since I posted anything. Life has been a bit busy. Shawn and I are still separated and still splitting time with the boys. It will be a year in two months and 2 days...cannot believe this as it does not seem that long, at least for me. Sometimes I get excited thinking about reuniting our family, then there are those days where I am glad that we are not back together yet. Honestly, I like living alone (the only adult). The house is set up the way I want it, I don't have to compromise about anything and the only stress at home is when the boys are not listening.
Once there is reunification things will change dramatically I feel. There will need to be something set up where we alternate getting up with the boys on the weekends...if the responsiblity remains solely mine I will get a bit pissy because that is how is was before. I know right now I am a bit pissy because I am hormonal...maybe some ice cream will help...I have no real reason to be except that I did not get much sleep last night and my monthly visitor will be arriving in a couple of days.
Yesterday was Shawn's mom's birthday and today they are going to eat chinease food (a tradition). Shawn stated that I was invited to go if I would like but I am just not ready for that. I honestly have enjoyed not having the stress of dealing with all that. Shawn has told me a few months ago that his mom would talk shit about me and I don't care but I also have chosen to stay away from people who are like that. I don't need nor want someone to be nice to my face and when I am gone turn around and be shitty. Life is too short to deal with that and I choose not to. Even my dad who is extremely protective and honestly does have a right in a way to be critical of Shawn (due to what I have been through) does not talk shit about him. At the very begining of being separated dad did, but he has heard the good things that Shawn has been doing and turning his life around and no longer does he say things.
Anyways I am sure in a few days I will be in a much better mood but right now BLAH!! The boys are well. Reilly is cutting his second tooth so he is a bit fussy. Liam is potty training and doing a great job, I am so proud and so excited to hopefully soon only be purchasing diapers for Reilly. The boys are growing up. In the Fall Connor will attend Kindergarden and next year pre-school for Liam. I am so lucky to have my beautiful boys, though they drive me mad some days ;-) Off to relax and prepare to go back to work tomorrow...it was a productive vacation just wish it was a bit longer!
Once there is reunification things will change dramatically I feel. There will need to be something set up where we alternate getting up with the boys on the weekends...if the responsiblity remains solely mine I will get a bit pissy because that is how is was before. I know right now I am a bit pissy because I am hormonal...maybe some ice cream will help...I have no real reason to be except that I did not get much sleep last night and my monthly visitor will be arriving in a couple of days.
Yesterday was Shawn's mom's birthday and today they are going to eat chinease food (a tradition). Shawn stated that I was invited to go if I would like but I am just not ready for that. I honestly have enjoyed not having the stress of dealing with all that. Shawn has told me a few months ago that his mom would talk shit about me and I don't care but I also have chosen to stay away from people who are like that. I don't need nor want someone to be nice to my face and when I am gone turn around and be shitty. Life is too short to deal with that and I choose not to. Even my dad who is extremely protective and honestly does have a right in a way to be critical of Shawn (due to what I have been through) does not talk shit about him. At the very begining of being separated dad did, but he has heard the good things that Shawn has been doing and turning his life around and no longer does he say things.
Anyways I am sure in a few days I will be in a much better mood but right now BLAH!! The boys are well. Reilly is cutting his second tooth so he is a bit fussy. Liam is potty training and doing a great job, I am so proud and so excited to hopefully soon only be purchasing diapers for Reilly. The boys are growing up. In the Fall Connor will attend Kindergarden and next year pre-school for Liam. I am so lucky to have my beautiful boys, though they drive me mad some days ;-) Off to relax and prepare to go back to work tomorrow...it was a productive vacation just wish it was a bit longer!
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