Dec 31, 2010

Happy New Years to everyone.  I cannot believe this year is just about over.  So much has happened this year that I just cannot believe it.  I am happy to say that I am happy right now today.  I have beautiful boys that I love very much and I have realized that I am a strong woman who can do whatever she needs to do to make things work.  I am so excited for 2011 to see how that year shapes up.  I know that no matter what happens I will be okay.

Dec 10, 2010

Things so far have been going pretty well.  I have begun to embed myself in Al-Anon.  I have purchased my first book to read which has been very interesting and have attended my first open AA meeting.  Al-Anon encourages this so that I might be able to understand a bit more about alcoholism, hear the alcoholics story to try to obtain compassion for the alcoholic.  The story I heard last night just left me with only one thought, wow.  To hear someone say that they did not care what came in their way or who came in their way, nothing was going to keep them from their drink.  It overtook her mind and thoughts to the point of having no control over it.  So I wonder was this how it was with Shawn.  I know he drank to deal with and silence his mind and bury emotions. Drinking is the outward manifestation of alcoholism so rather than dealing with his emotions he would drink to silence them.  All the while knowing that he should not be doing this but not caring or maybe not even thinking about who it hurt.  There was one fella who mentioned that his mind does not work like other people's, Shawn has also mentioned something to this effect.  I wonder what it is in the brain that is not working like everyone else's?  I need to research...

So this has been a very interesting start to my journey with Al-Anon.  I love the people there and I can see how this can be a great support as I will see them 2-3 times per week plus at this time speak with my sponsor everyday.  I am excited to work the same steps as an AA and to take inventory of myself.  See what part I may have played great or small and learn to relate to Shawn or any AA in a more positive way.

I have the boys this weekend, it will be nice to have them home.  Shawn will likely take the other two for sleigh rides maybe tomorrow??  I need to get some more craft stuff so that we can do crafty things when they are here instead of just watching movies and whatnot.  There is a holiday deal at the OKC downtown library this Sunday and I would love to take them to it but it is downtown OKC and having Connor and Liam loose kinda freaks me out a little.  It sucks because I want to be able to take them to do stuff like that but if it were in Norman or Noble then I would have no problem but in OKC it just scares me to think about taking them up there as there will surely be a lot of people (as it is a free event) and I feel ill equipped to handle them within a large crowd...I would take the stroller but if there are a lot of people then it will be difficult to maneuver it around (I noticed this when I took Connor and Liam to the weather center in Norman and had the stroller and I figure the library deal will be similar).  Anyways so far so good and I pray that this continues.  

Dec 1, 2010

So it is the first of December 2010, cannot believe that this year is almost over.  I feel that 2011 will be very promising I have a feeling that good things will happen next year.  Things between Shawn and I are getting easier and less weird.  After my previous entry he sent me a long email explaining a bit more on things.  His mom a couple of days ago stated that he has been reminded that he can only speak to me about things involving the boys...that is likely what that abrupt email was about.

Unfortunately I did not get to go to my Al-Anon meeting on Sunday as there has been a stomach bug going around and Shawn was horribly sick this weekend so we switched weekends, so I can go this Sunday.  Liam got the bug and has been sick since last night.  Poor baby, it makes me so sad to see him not feeling well.  Hopefully it will be over quickly and hopefully neither of the other boys nor myself will get it.  I do feel very positive at this moment about Shawn and I's future and I can now see how people are able to start over.  You just take it very slow and eventually it comfortable to talk to each other.  Last Wednesday we could not hold a conversation but this Wednesday we were able to hold a lengthy one about the boys over the phone and in time we will be able to hold a lengthy one in person.

Well off to get ready for my meeting.  Until next time.