The end of an era

This is what the divorce paperwork will do, it will end the era of Shawn and Jen.  I was crazy to think that we could start over, I guess that was just some hope to be able to salvage all this time and create something even better.  After Shawn texting some awful things then trying to apologize on Christmas Eve then texting some more nasty things today because I have not called him...I have not forgiven him for the last episode.  I have accepted and am fine with we are over.  As I sit here and think about everything we have gone through, I have gone through, I am glad what happened to spur the divorce forward happened because I don't want to be 60 years old dealing with this same shit.  Having wasted my life with someone who could not or did not control his words.  He has said enough to prove to me that that is just who he is and I don't want to be with someone like that.  I guess it took trying to start over in October and then failing miserably in December to awaken me to the fact that it just is never going to happen.  I will never be what he wants/needs and he will never be what I want/need, simple as that. 
So I wait until the papers are signed.  I am taking my parenting class for divorcing couples on Sunday to get that out of the way.  Basically helping children through this process what to do and not to do during and after.  There is nothing bad I would ever say to the boys about their dad but I cannot guarantee that will be reciprocated.  All I can do is love my boys and show them what a good mommy and a good person I am.  That in and of itself will combat anything he or his family say about me.  This has been a long journey but one that needed to occur.  Once this is over I can focus on continuing to do good in my life for my boys and others and I am convinced love will strike again...I am positive.

A time of reflection

It has been awhile since I last wrote.  After the conference for work things seemed to get better for awhile.  The divorce still being on, Shawn and I tried start over.  I initially thought the idea of starting over prior to the divorce was a bit backwards but I was game anyways.  Things went well for awhile but then maybe we fell into our normal habits which is what created many of the issues anyways.  I was trying to include him more in my life and being in contact more than previously but still this was not what he needed.  That is okay because that is what he needed, but not I so much.  This is the end of the year and I think this year has proven to be educational to say the least.  The only thing I can say at this moment is I wish there was a drug to numb all feelings related to him.  I am on a super high dose of anxiety/depression drugs and while it helps definitely still this sucks.  I know it is only healthy to deal with my emotions both good and bad but I really just don't want to.  It seems that I have been doing that for over 3 years and I am tired.  I wish I could just turn off emotions the way he describes me, I wish I could.  I don't know will it better after the divorce?  Will be really be able to start over?  Is there too much damage?  Will it just be the start of new and different lives for the both of us?  I don't know.  I just feel like there is this hole in my heart letting any joy and happiness escape and I don't know how to fix it, to patch the hole until it heals completely. 

He received the paperwork over a week ago and flipped out more than I even thought he would because he knew it was coming, but I guess it is different when you see the paperwork in your hands.  He was able to let loose and say so many things that I know he regrets saying and he has since apologized for his reaction, but yet those words linger. They have been said, I felt harassed for several days yelling at my phone when I got a text because I knew it would not be nice and it was from him.  It was not my phones fault and I could not turn it off because once I turned it on they would flood in, so deal with them individually or deal with them all together and become overwhelmed.  This reaction gave me more ammunition, if you will, to prove to myself that I deserve better than that.  The problem is that I do love him still even after the ugly words.  I have known him for 14 years now and we have been through a lot.  I have seen him go from what he was to what he is, a better person.  I have seen his struggles and know his demons and can see the good that is there. 

This has been what has kept me here for so long, seeing the good, but I also see him as a friend. 
What is wrong with me that I still have these strong feelings even though it seems I have been put through the ringer?  How much more must I take to see the truth?  What is wrong with me? 

Back from statewide

I was out of town for two days at a work conference in Tulsa OK and I had so much fun.  I did not feel well for most of it because when I get upset or stressed I don't eat and the stress with him and I has triggered my anxiety to explode.  I am currently 130lbs which is 10 lbs less than 1 month ago.  I am happy though to have lost weight as I think I was a bit too big but my stomach has been off...well then I go and party last night with my sup and fellow licensing staff and God only knows the amount of alcohol I ingested because I lost count drank coconut rum and pineapple juice had several glasses of that and then my sup and coworker brought wine...we finished it.  Holy hell was all I could think as I have not done this sort of thing for about 8 years and it showed but it was fun.  Today though was not...hung over in a huge way and stomach upset because of he and I. 
The conference came at the best time when I again start to doubt what I am doing is the right thing I ride up to Tulsa with my coworker who had been married to an abusive man when she was younger.  She let me vent all the way up there and all the way back today.  I explained why I wanted the divorce, how I would get back together with him at a later date once we both became the people we are suppose to be.  I explained my reasoning and she got it...she understood where I was coming from, she thought that he is unable to see the larger picture because he is just not mature enough and he only sees what he wants but misses the whole point of it...That was what I needed to hear, I needed someone other than my family to understand truly what I was trying to achieve.  After speaking with her and venting she gave me good advice.  She asked me if I ever have done anything truly selfish where I did not care about the outcome, where all I thought about was me and did not consider how things would affect others...I mentioned the tattoos and she said no have you ever done a truly selfish act where it would negatively impact others because the tattoos does not affect him...I thought about it and realized no I have not that I could think of...I usually put others first and this putting me first is very foreign so it feels like I am doing a bad thing. 
The last keynote speaker today was talking about decluttering your mind.  She gave us 5 questions to ask ourselves everyday.  what do I want? How am I going to get it?  Once I have it what will I do to keep it?  #4 I cannot remember but have it written down somewhere and then #5 if I cannot have what I want then what will be my back up want? I thought about these as she talked about how you cannot be any good to anyone else until you are good with yourself which I have always agreed with just did not apply it to my life so much.  I am getting ready to de-clutter my house as well as my mind so I can find peace and be happy with me. 

It is coming to an end

I receive an email from my attorney end of last week saying she almost has the decree done.  There is some relief yet a lot of sadness.  Today I get an email from him stating that he was not trying to be insensitive by asking when he might be served just that he is moving on and already is kinda seeing someone.  Now until the divorce is final it won't move past the friend stage he says, I say why the hell not please please sleep with her please help me get rid of the romantic love I still for some reason have...please do this and put me out of my misery...I beg of you...He says that if I decide I want to come back to him after this is all done that he is game for that...I have seen the true him throughout the last 13 years from the drunk him to the sober him, the only main difference is that he is not drinking...he is still very mean, still plays the victim, still thinks about himself...this whole thing about moving on is so he feels better, so he can latch on to someone else, someone else who apparently knows he is still in love with me...he states he will never again commit to anyone

I think it is funny how he shows his love...if I did horrible crap to my husband for so many years yet he stayed, we went to counseling and I kept displaying my temper which I could not control, if he came to me and said I love you but I need closure on all the crap that was this relationship but that after it is over we can try again with a clean slate would I believe him?  I don't know maybe it is too far fetched to believe that we could start over a clean slate, maybe I would think that he was just telling me this to make me agree to the divorce?  Maybe not, but I know I would never even think about jumping into the sack with someone else only a month after the bed went cold...granted we have been separated for 3 years but the bed has literally only been cold for a little over a month...I don't know.  I just feeling like breaking down, I just need this pain to go away asap, I wish I cold just numb the pain but doing that would not allow me to grieve properly, would not allow me to be okay with it being just me (well besides my boys of course) but as a friend told me only when I am okay with being alone will I be healthy enough to find the one.

I just need to keep in mind what I never wanted to put up with, what I did put up with, what I was still putting up with after his sobriety and think about how much better life will be...problem is that I still love him to damn much.  Someday that love will fade

A nice cool day

Oh my.  The boys are home and are not listening as usual.  I heard from my attorney two days ago, she stated that she had the decree done except for the custody plan which she was going to finish yesterday.  It all should be the same as the temp orders.  I know this is the right thing for me to do but it still sucks.  I do love him so much, I just wish this all could have happened differently.  I am sure I will always feel that way.  Maybe he can get it all together, figure out who he truly is.  Maybe it will work out some day in the future, maybe not.  Maybe he will find the person who is perfect for him and maybe I will find the person who is perfect for me...I guess we shall see. 
I have been able to sleep for the past 3 nights and I hope this continues.  I don't know if he and I texting again after having not for several days and I take comfort in that.  It is on a friend like basis, checking in on the boys, how our days are etc...and I hope this is something that we can continue.  I don't know I still feel sad about the whole thing and catch myself for a split second thinking that maybe I should just stop it...then I think about why I can't. 

Praying for peace

I really desire peace always but specifically at this time.  Last night was not a good night for me...I have this sneaking suspicion that he may already have his sights on the next her...maybe I am reading into it but when I was telling my older male coworker who has been listening to all of my rants about how he hung out with his friend and friend's girlfriend and girlfriends sister last week (the only way I knew was because he posted something about having fun with them and she posted something also) and then this weekend apparently she was sick so he brought her soup and medication...so maybe I am creating this in my head to make it all easier because if he screws her then the spell is broken because I want no part of that again...anyways when I mention this to my coworker he tells me that women tend to take a year or two to really move on but guys tend to dive right in to the next relationship and his take on what I said was that my soon to be ex was that it sounds like he has moved on...
So this should not bother me right?  Last week I hoped that he had screwed her (now I say this because he has mentioned before that she wants to) because then as I said the spell would be broken...Some may not really understand why I want the divorce to literally put an end date on the last 13 years, basically box it all up all the bad, take from it lessons learned but box it up never to be opened again and start over with a clean slate.  My hope was that it could be a clean slate between he and I.  We could divorce, take some time for ourselves to truly develop who we are and then try back at it...at first I thought he was up for it and understood where I am coming from, now I don't think he does or if he does understand that is not what he wants and even though this would allow me to get over the past 13 years of crap primarily the last 9 with the crap he did, his thought is that he deserves better than this so he does not want to try for a maybe that it would work.  So I thought about this and again saw selfishness on his part.  Yes me wanting the divorce can be seen as selfish, but this is the only thing I can see that literally will allow me to get past all of that.  Because it would be boxed up and starting with a clean slate neither of us could bring up past crap into arguments, we would have to start fresh and make sure we did it the right way this time.  To me it seems logical, to him is seems crazy unless he just has ulterior motives for not wanting the divorce...not sure. 
Anyways it is kind of sad and I was so upset last night I had thoughts of calling it off and telling him lets get back together...that happens here and there and then I have to remember the names he has called me, the examples of his selfish behaviors how he can not get past what he feels I am doing to him right now instead of understanding I need this to put closure on all the bad he did to me...but of course he would not see that, he would not see how he royally screwed with my head, caused psychological and emotional abuse for a time period of at least 6 years non stop and he thinks this past month has been an unimaginable horrible roller coaster of emotions that he is so sick of...I want to say try doing that for 6 years...that is what I want to say...I also want to remind him that his crazy behavior a month ago is what pushed my hand...but I don't.  I don't tell him the God's honest truth about what I believe is wrong with him.  I don't say mean things to him even though when he says them to me I want to say them back, but I don't...why because I am an adult who still respects him enough to not purposefully lash out at him and hurt him even more.  I don't think I can say the same about him at least at this point and he is damn near 40. 
So I know this will be slow going two steps ahead and one step back every few days but when I really sit there and analyze the situation and what I feel I deserve in a partner and when I get hurtful texts from him because he thought I should not be wining on FB about being sad and how I am spineless and whatnot these things reinforce the fact that this is the right thing for me.  I was talking with a coworker and friend at work today telling her what I want in a future boyfriend: She asked if I was going after the bad boys again I said No but when she asked about tattoos and motorcycles I was like ya that would work, he has to have a child so he understands what it is like to be a parent, he has to be emotionally mature, a homebody, goes to bed at a normal time (not a night owl), good hygiene, no drugs or alcoholism, either he does not drink just because it is not something he wants to do (not because he can't or shouldn't) or will drink socially every so often...there are other things we spoke about but it was nice to be able to verbalize that stuff and she said it was good that I am able to think about moving on.  It will be tough, surly but I know the type of guy I deserve and I will find "the one" especially if he can't be "the one"... 

Ah I am going to quit counting the days...

So the boys are home today and I am not as lonely as I was but somehow I just cannot get my mind off of him.  I was reading articles about how to tell if divorce is right for you or are you ready for divorce and the like because I still sit here and wonder am I doing the right thing.  I am going to list the cons:
1) he has a horrible temper that is not easily controlled 2) When he is mad or we are arguing he calls me all kinds of names 3) part of his temper is lashing out, if he does not hear what he wants to hear or I do something he seems bound and determined to make me feel bad about it 4) co-dependent and possible mental disorder, a personality disorder or bi-polar etc 5) I don't think he honestly respects me or any woman out there, at least it does not seem like he does 6) I don't think he is capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved 7) selfish self centered 8) Has not ventured out on his own in the 3 years we have been separated, stayed at his mom's who watches the boys when he has meetings, running his business and now working out but he has never had to worry about making it on his own which leads to his lack of maturity and 9) screws with my head and is very good at it. 

I am sure if I dug I could spew out more things that just makes him as a partner a very bad idea.  Now the pros:

1) He truly loves me 2) he is faithful 3) I think he has good intentions (although there is the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions) but I think he has good intentions. 4) He is a good father 5) He is funny

With this I am sure if I dug deeper I could find other good things but these are what I could come up with this moment.  Even as I look at the two lists my love for him is just so overwhelming, even after all I have been through with him.  I think what makes me even more sad is that I am losing a friend, granted no friend I ever have had has said the things he has said to me, but he and I could laugh and usually would have a good time with one another.  I could vent to him and he would be on my side, he could vent to me and most times I would be on his side unless it was obvious that he was in the wrong.  There was a good level of comfort it seemed but then again there was something missing.  We were lacking true intimacy, whether because I just could not open up to him or visa versa I don't know that either of us truly let the other in.  Something for me to work on, then again if I feel comfortable with someone then I am usually an open book almost telling more than I should...likely I never felt that amount of comfort with him or because of what it was like the first 6 years of our marriage where he was an out of control alcoholic, I learned to not get that close, not trust, not allow him in and even though he is sober now 3 years some of that on my part still remains. 
I know it is not healthy to remain married to him even though it shreds my heart every single day because I know how much I love him and the thought of us not working out is far too painful to think about.  Regardless what is meant to be will be.  Maybe some time on his own will allow for some more introspection and all will be revealed to him and he will magically become the man I need.  Maybe, or maybe this will be the start of my own journey in seek of who Jennifer is which maybe leads to prince charming down the road...Only time will tell, until then I try to figure out how to deal with all of my emotions.