This is what the divorce paperwork will do, it will end the era of Shawn and Jen. I was crazy to think that we could start over, I guess that was just some hope to be able to salvage all this time and create something even better. After Shawn texting some awful things then trying to apologize on Christmas Eve then texting some more nasty things today because I have not called him...I have not forgiven him for the last episode. I have accepted and am fine with we are over. As I sit here and think about everything we have gone through, I have gone through, I am glad what happened to spur the divorce forward happened because I don't want to be 60 years old dealing with this same shit. Having wasted my life with someone who could not or did not control his words. He has said enough to prove to me that that is just who he is and I don't want to be with someone like that. I guess it took trying to start over in October and then failing miserably in December to awaken me to the fact that it just is never going to happen. I will never be what he wants/needs and he will never be what I want/need, simple as that.
So I wait until the papers are signed. I am taking my parenting class for divorcing couples on Sunday to get that out of the way. Basically helping children through this process what to do and not to do during and after. There is nothing bad I would ever say to the boys about their dad but I cannot guarantee that will be reciprocated. All I can do is love my boys and show them what a good mommy and a good person I am. That in and of itself will combat anything he or his family say about me. This has been a long journey but one that needed to occur. Once this is over I can focus on continuing to do good in my life for my boys and others and I am convinced love will strike again...I am positive.
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