It has been awhile since I last wrote. After the conference for work things seemed to get better for awhile. The divorce still being on, Shawn and I tried start over. I initially thought the idea of starting over prior to the divorce was a bit backwards but I was game anyways. Things went well for awhile but then maybe we fell into our normal habits which is what created many of the issues anyways. I was trying to include him more in my life and being in contact more than previously but still this was not what he needed. That is okay because that is what he needed, but not I so much. This is the end of the year and I think this year has proven to be educational to say the least. The only thing I can say at this moment is I wish there was a drug to numb all feelings related to him. I am on a super high dose of anxiety/depression drugs and while it helps definitely still this sucks. I know it is only healthy to deal with my emotions both good and bad but I really just don't want to. It seems that I have been doing that for over 3 years and I am tired. I wish I could just turn off emotions the way he describes me, I wish I could. I don't know will it better after the divorce? Will be really be able to start over? Is there too much damage? Will it just be the start of new and different lives for the both of us? I don't know. I just feel like there is this hole in my heart letting any joy and happiness escape and I don't know how to fix it, to patch the hole until it heals completely.
He received the paperwork over a week ago and flipped out more than I even thought he would because he knew it was coming, but I guess it is different when you see the paperwork in your hands. He was able to let loose and say so many things that I know he regrets saying and he has since apologized for his reaction, but yet those words linger. They have been said, I felt harassed for several days yelling at my phone when I got a text because I knew it would not be nice and it was from him. It was not my phones fault and I could not turn it off because once I turned it on they would flood in, so deal with them individually or deal with them all together and become overwhelmed. This reaction gave me more ammunition, if you will, to prove to myself that I deserve better than that. The problem is that I do love him still even after the ugly words. I have known him for 14 years now and we have been through a lot. I have seen him go from what he was to what he is, a better person. I have seen his struggles and know his demons and can see the good that is there.
This has been what has kept me here for so long, seeing the good, but I also see him as a friend.
What is wrong with me that I still have these strong feelings even though it seems I have been put through the ringer? How much more must I take to see the truth? What is wrong with me?
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