Nov 25th

Happy Thanksgiving 2010.  I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  I have 3 wonderful little boys who I love more than life itself.  I have the best family anyone could ask for.  I have the greatest friends who have helped me and cared about me.  I have my sanity and less stress in my life.

I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night and think this will be a very good thing for me.  My goal is to understand more about alcoholism and deal with my emotions.  I understand addiction as I was a smoker for 5 or so years and tried to quit several times towards the end of that time period but when my uncle was diagnosed with cancer I made the choice to quit cold turkey.  I drank and partied like crazy in my younger days but when I drove home drunk and barely made it there about 6 years ago I made the choice to not let myself ever be out of control in that manner again and I have not.  I have not been drunk in 6 years and have no plans to ever be so again.  I say this because I do not understand how someone cannot just quit.

I understand that alcoholism is a disease but I need to research as to what classifies it as a disease.  What happens when an alcoholic drinks, what causes the drinking what is alcoholism aside from the drinking?  So I go to my Al-anon meeting last night and low and behold Shawn goes to the same place but of course to the AA meeting that is in the main room of the building.  I email Shawn to let him know that this was not intentional and that I want to continue going to this place for the meeting but that I will get there early so that we will not have any weird interactions.  He emails me back saying he does not care that I go there he was just taken off guard.  I then email back about time to meet to drop off the boys and then go to answer something he had mentioned in an earlier email.

He stated that when he sees me he has no idea what is going through my head so he would rather not speak to me for fear he say something mean (not said in these exact words).  So in the email I address this to calm any fears he may have.  What is funny is that the email I get back agrees on the time and day I propose to drop the boys off but then states that he is still only allowed to talk to me about the kids, which in itself freaks him out.  What was funny to me was that as I look over our email conversation he had spoken to me about several things not related to the boys but when I address feelings that I have about things he closes down.  This is fine as I really just wanted him to know I did not expect a response which I told him.

From now on I will keep it about the boys, I guess with the previous emails I thought we might be getting a bit more comfortable talking about other things (even though we are not suppose to) but he is not ready, he is not comfortable with discussing anything remotely about us (even if it is just about me and my thoughts).  That is okay for now as long as he deals with it eventually and does not just bury it.  My fear is that I will be waiting here to work on things at some point and he will have no intention on working on things that he is just getting used to the idea of being separated which would make a divorce easier and I would be blindsided by this.  I guess we shall see.  I need to just get on with life and quit thinking about he and I and if it is meant to be it will...so much easier said than done.  

Nov 23rd

So today was not all that bad.  Tired as hell but Reilly was up a lot last night.  So tonight I sit here and wonder what is the point?  Meaning I sent Shawn an email asking what time we are meeting tomorrow to get the boys to him as our new schedule starts now.  He emailed back that morning would be okay he guesses, then on my way home he called (though did not hear it) and leaves a message.  On the message he asks if we can meet at noon instead as he has to get up early to get some things done that he does not have time to do during the week as he works...my first thought was, isn't there a weekend in there somewhere?  Now I know that he helps his parents with a lot of stuff and maybe that is why he could not get some of the stuff he needs to do done over the weekend but just that comment in and of itself made me think...he does not sound any different, he may not be drinking but his attitude sounds the same...maybe he is just weirded out now that we can talk so he was trying to sound a certain way.  So I call him back prepared to leave a message but I end up talking to him...it was weird because he right away is like I just called to see if we can meet at noon instead...I am fine with this and tell him so, then I was like okay bye.  I guess the conversations may get less weird the more we talk but still I sit here and wonder what is the point.  I really think my zoloft is kicking in because yesterday and today I have really be like, lets just get this over with and quite delaying the inevitable...though I do not know for sure that we cannot work it out, part of me just really wants to deal with the heartbreak now and get on with it...of course that is likely the zoloft talking because I am currently in a state of not caring...feels good :)

Today

A quick note about today.  It was not too bad.  I did not have to go to court for the temporary orders hearing as we were in agreement so that was very good.  I went up to work and saw some of my friends (I need adult interaction) and cleaned the house.  I have a feeling that my stronger anti-depressants are beginning to kick in or maybe it was just a good day.  Shawn and I will now be allowed to speak and email, I am not sure how to feel about that.  On the one hand it will be good to deal with him directly about the boys on the other not seeing him or speaking to him will make this separation easier for me...I guess we shall see how it goes.  As I said a quick note as Reilly is starting to cry.  Tomorrow will be a good day :)

Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger

So just got home from dropping the boys off with their father.  I was fine emotionally going there and during the exchange but after I just lost it.  I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "what did I ever do in my life to deserve my current situation!!!"...I know it would have been 10x worse if I would have just went on with the divorce but at least I would know the outcome.  I just want to and will eventually ask Shawn why?  Why if he knew that he had this drinking problem and was searching for help before we got married why the hell did he not inform me...did he think that I would cancel the wedding (I would have postponed it for sure) and leave him or what?  Was he even thinking about me and how his addiction would affect me or was he just being selfish thinking that somehow I might help him...did he even think about my feelings?  Obviously he did not as here I sit 6 years later completely heartbroken and so angry wondering what did I ever do to deserve this situation?  Who did I screw over that Karma now is coming after me?  I have always been nice and caring of others which is probably how I got into this mess in the first place.  I am certain that he has no idea the extent of the damage that he has done to me...all I can think about is when can I get to that numb phase where I won't be able to feel anything?  I hope to God this was not intentional, some way that he could get back at womankind after his ex screwed him and his heart over.  God I wish that I knew then what I know now...I would never have married him.  I would have found someone else and had my beautiful Connor, Liam and Reilly with them, the problem is I say this but how true it is I am not sure...I would like to think that I would have done that but in actuality I would likely have put things on hold so he could get help.  At least though if I would have known then I could have made the choice to marry a recovering alcoholic or not, since I did not know I was not given that choice.  All I can do now is pray to God that he give me the strength to deal with this, deal with my anger so I can forgive and be the best mom I can be.

Exhausted

I feel drained.  Last night my mother in law said that I sounded tired while we were talking on the phone.  I am tired, I am mentally exhausted, physically exhausted and emotionally exhausted.  The physical exhaustion can be attributed to having a newborn who likes to wake up every 2-3 hours.  The mental and emotional exhaustion stems from Shawn.  I have a constant conversation streaming through my mind and it says pretty much the same thing "Is this going to work out or are we just postponing the inevitable"..."I am so angry at him, he should have dealt with this before we got married"..."I think I want to email him and lay the cards on the table."

I have always been one who did not like to postpone things.  Ever since high school if something was not really working with a boy I would "lay the cards on the table" or have a "come to Jesus" moment and basically lay it all out there, what I expect what is or is not working and give the boy an out.  If he chose to stay then what I explained was expected was expected...usually they did not take the out, in those days when I was done with them or it was too much trouble I just broke up with them.  When did I lose my backbone??

I really want to have that "talk" with Shawn.  I want to tell him that I will wait for him as long as he can foresee attempting to reconcile in the future (which has been said in a way).  I want to tell him that I understand AA will take up a lot of his time but that our family will need his time also and as long as he tends to the needs at home then him being gone so much will not be much of an issue.  This family can not be second to anything or anyone else except for AA which will keep him sober and keep him in this family.  If our yard needs mowing and his parent's yard needs mowing then ours gets done first, not visa versa as was previously done many times.  Even though he will be gone a lot with AA I still expect him to be a "family man" as this is what I thought I had married.  I figure I will say this sooner than later to him or at least email this.

Part of what goes through my head is how do I trust him again?  How do I believe anything that he says?  Granted he has to be the one to show me that I can trust him and he has to be the one to show that he can be honest with me and tells no lies.  His mom stated that she choses to give him the benefit of the doubt...I have done this so many times over the years that I have none of that left to give.  Maybe Al-anon can help with this...then I wonder how do I get rid of the anger, the disappointment, the fear, the heartache?  Even though we are still married, it still feels like a break-up, which I guess in a way it is.  Why can life be so difficult?

Today I just want to give up

Ever have those days where you figure it would be easier to just give up.  Today is one of those days.  Emailing back and forth with my attorney finalizing the proposed temporary orders and I wonder, it seems like it would just be easier to give up and just divorce.  Of course I know realistically that the divorce would be more problematic than just the separation but today I just think maybe it would be easier to get it over with than to wait to see if we reconcile...I guess I just am very bad at waiting and feeling like I am in limbo.  Limbo is not a place I ever want to be.  I know it is possible to get on with your life and just put the relationship issues on the back burner, but how to do that is the question.

As stated in previous post once I am back to work it will be better because I will not have time to sit here and wonder and wait.  It will also get better once I am able to attend an Al-anon meeting next week.  I can meet people with similar experiences as I and get the support I need.  I mean I have support from my family and my friends but I will also need support of people who are currently or have dealt with an alcoholic.  Maybe I will decide that being married to an alcoholic (recovering or not) is more trouble than it is worth or maybe I will learn that it was worth the wait to be able to have the person I love be able to be a fully functional partner in this relationship.  I guess only time will tell.

Today as I sit here

Well today is here and I sit wondering why my life took the turn it did.  I guess I have a bit of a pity party going on.  I need to get out of this stage but still I sit here with so many things to say but no one to say them to.  What is crazy is that I cannot even enjoy my time off of work because of the other crap with Shawn, it is like I want to be busy with work so that I don't have time to think about him or anything involving him.  Well I am sure most of it is from this stuff with Shawn and the rest is baby blues, of course part of it is the time of the year...

I am sure my mood is not being helped by the lack of sleep I am getting (new baby and all) and the fact that my stronger anti-depressants have not kicked in yet, but I just feel very blue.  I cannot find happiness right now.  I want to sleep for a few months just so that I don't have to deal with any of this right now.  I know once Reilly is sleeping better life will get a bit better as I will be sleeping better, but until then I wait.

It is crazy to think that it has been about 2 months since Shawn and I separated and next week there will be the temporary orders hearing establishing visitation, blah blah blah...then probably several months after that before we can know if he has been successful in overcoming his addiction (as much as he can as it will be a lifelong ordeal).  I know things will seem better once I am back at work but how do I keep my mind off of him?  It was so much easier when I despised him before the email he sent explaining that he understands that he is an alcoholic and is taking steps to deal with that.  It was easier because I knew what the end result would be but now who knows?  I am sure I am just very lonely and once I am back amongst the rest of the adult world I will not be focused so much on this.  At least I hope so.

How to forgive

I have always had an issue of figuring how to forgive someone.  Most times I would just bury it and let it be (not the healthiest ways).  I was at church today and the pastor started a series on forgiveness.  How appropriate I thought as just last night I said a prayer to God to help me forgive.  I am trying to forgive my husband Shawn.  We have been separated almost two months now after a drunk physical altercation with him.  He has since realized what I already knew, he is an alcoholic.

He has begun AA and is living outside of our home.  I had filed for divorce but he asked that I stop that and just be separated while he addresses his addiction.  So here I sit and here I wait.  I do so to see if he can overcome this addiction because there were times within our 6 years of marriage that he was a great guy and it would seem to me that you take the alcohol out of the equation he could be that great guy again.

My problem that I face now is where to begin to heal.  I have since learned that his alcohol abuse started well before he met me.  It was apparently bad enough that he was trying to find help before we got married.  I never knew.  If he had come to me before we were to be married and said that he had this problem we could have postponed the wedding and focused on getting him the help he needed.  There was some reason why he did not, who knows.

How do I deal with this?  How do I begin to heal my heart and my soul?  This person I have loved for so long has lied to me for years.  Do I even know this guy?  He still likes the same things that he did before but how much of our relationship was a lie, just his "sobriety"?  Does it extend to other parts of our relationship?  I don't know, I guess those answers will come eventually.

All the while I am trying to keep up appearances for our three boys (well one is only 3 weeks old so he does not have a clue).  I do not know how long this separation will last (well until he is better for sure) but this single mom thing is a bit harder than I anticipated.  Maybe because I have a newborn as well as the two older boys as it was not a big deal before Reilly was born but now I just feel overwhelmed.  Maybe when I go back to work things will be a bit better and less crazy...then again I could just be fooling myself.  I wish I had a crystal ball to tell my future, I am not the best at waiting for things to happen...I need to get better.

I need to get to a place where I will feel fine if things do not work out the way I want them to.  I need to get to a place where I can put Shawn on the back burner while he is focusing on his goal of sobriety and I can focus on my goals of being a stronger person and mom, be able to let go of the anger I currently feel and be able to forgive.