Happy Thanksgiving 2010. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have 3 wonderful little boys who I love more than life itself. I have the best family anyone could ask for. I have the greatest friends who have helped me and cared about me. I have my sanity and less stress in my life.
I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night and think this will be a very good thing for me. My goal is to understand more about alcoholism and deal with my emotions. I understand addiction as I was a smoker for 5 or so years and tried to quit several times towards the end of that time period but when my uncle was diagnosed with cancer I made the choice to quit cold turkey. I drank and partied like crazy in my younger days but when I drove home drunk and barely made it there about 6 years ago I made the choice to not let myself ever be out of control in that manner again and I have not. I have not been drunk in 6 years and have no plans to ever be so again. I say this because I do not understand how someone cannot just quit.
I understand that alcoholism is a disease but I need to research as to what classifies it as a disease. What happens when an alcoholic drinks, what causes the drinking what is alcoholism aside from the drinking? So I go to my Al-anon meeting last night and low and behold Shawn goes to the same place but of course to the AA meeting that is in the main room of the building. I email Shawn to let him know that this was not intentional and that I want to continue going to this place for the meeting but that I will get there early so that we will not have any weird interactions. He emails me back saying he does not care that I go there he was just taken off guard. I then email back about time to meet to drop off the boys and then go to answer something he had mentioned in an earlier email.
He stated that when he sees me he has no idea what is going through my head so he would rather not speak to me for fear he say something mean (not said in these exact words). So in the email I address this to calm any fears he may have. What is funny is that the email I get back agrees on the time and day I propose to drop the boys off but then states that he is still only allowed to talk to me about the kids, which in itself freaks him out. What was funny to me was that as I look over our email conversation he had spoken to me about several things not related to the boys but when I address feelings that I have about things he closes down. This is fine as I really just wanted him to know I did not expect a response which I told him.
From now on I will keep it about the boys, I guess with the previous emails I thought we might be getting a bit more comfortable talking about other things (even though we are not suppose to) but he is not ready, he is not comfortable with discussing anything remotely about us (even if it is just about me and my thoughts). That is okay for now as long as he deals with it eventually and does not just bury it. My fear is that I will be waiting here to work on things at some point and he will have no intention on working on things that he is just getting used to the idea of being separated which would make a divorce easier and I would be blindsided by this. I guess we shall see. I need to just get on with life and quit thinking about he and I and if it is meant to be it will...so much easier said than done.
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