Exhausted

I feel drained.  Last night my mother in law said that I sounded tired while we were talking on the phone.  I am tired, I am mentally exhausted, physically exhausted and emotionally exhausted.  The physical exhaustion can be attributed to having a newborn who likes to wake up every 2-3 hours.  The mental and emotional exhaustion stems from Shawn.  I have a constant conversation streaming through my mind and it says pretty much the same thing "Is this going to work out or are we just postponing the inevitable"..."I am so angry at him, he should have dealt with this before we got married"..."I think I want to email him and lay the cards on the table."

I have always been one who did not like to postpone things.  Ever since high school if something was not really working with a boy I would "lay the cards on the table" or have a "come to Jesus" moment and basically lay it all out there, what I expect what is or is not working and give the boy an out.  If he chose to stay then what I explained was expected was expected...usually they did not take the out, in those days when I was done with them or it was too much trouble I just broke up with them.  When did I lose my backbone??

I really want to have that "talk" with Shawn.  I want to tell him that I will wait for him as long as he can foresee attempting to reconcile in the future (which has been said in a way).  I want to tell him that I understand AA will take up a lot of his time but that our family will need his time also and as long as he tends to the needs at home then him being gone so much will not be much of an issue.  This family can not be second to anything or anyone else except for AA which will keep him sober and keep him in this family.  If our yard needs mowing and his parent's yard needs mowing then ours gets done first, not visa versa as was previously done many times.  Even though he will be gone a lot with AA I still expect him to be a "family man" as this is what I thought I had married.  I figure I will say this sooner than later to him or at least email this.

Part of what goes through my head is how do I trust him again?  How do I believe anything that he says?  Granted he has to be the one to show me that I can trust him and he has to be the one to show that he can be honest with me and tells no lies.  His mom stated that she choses to give him the benefit of the doubt...I have done this so many times over the years that I have none of that left to give.  Maybe Al-anon can help with this...then I wonder how do I get rid of the anger, the disappointment, the fear, the heartache?  Even though we are still married, it still feels like a break-up, which I guess in a way it is.  Why can life be so difficult?