Well today is here and I sit wondering why my life took the turn it did. I guess I have a bit of a pity party going on. I need to get out of this stage but still I sit here with so many things to say but no one to say them to. What is crazy is that I cannot even enjoy my time off of work because of the other crap with Shawn, it is like I want to be busy with work so that I don't have time to think about him or anything involving him. Well I am sure most of it is from this stuff with Shawn and the rest is baby blues, of course part of it is the time of the year...
I am sure my mood is not being helped by the lack of sleep I am getting (new baby and all) and the fact that my stronger anti-depressants have not kicked in yet, but I just feel very blue. I cannot find happiness right now. I want to sleep for a few months just so that I don't have to deal with any of this right now. I know once Reilly is sleeping better life will get a bit better as I will be sleeping better, but until then I wait.
It is crazy to think that it has been about 2 months since Shawn and I separated and next week there will be the temporary orders hearing establishing visitation, blah blah blah...then probably several months after that before we can know if he has been successful in overcoming his addiction (as much as he can as it will be a lifelong ordeal). I know things will seem better once I am back at work but how do I keep my mind off of him? It was so much easier when I despised him before the email he sent explaining that he understands that he is an alcoholic and is taking steps to deal with that. It was easier because I knew what the end result would be but now who knows? I am sure I am just very lonely and once I am back amongst the rest of the adult world I will not be focused so much on this. At least I hope so.
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