Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger

So just got home from dropping the boys off with their father.  I was fine emotionally going there and during the exchange but after I just lost it.  I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "what did I ever do in my life to deserve my current situation!!!"...I know it would have been 10x worse if I would have just went on with the divorce but at least I would know the outcome.  I just want to and will eventually ask Shawn why?  Why if he knew that he had this drinking problem and was searching for help before we got married why the hell did he not inform me...did he think that I would cancel the wedding (I would have postponed it for sure) and leave him or what?  Was he even thinking about me and how his addiction would affect me or was he just being selfish thinking that somehow I might help him...did he even think about my feelings?  Obviously he did not as here I sit 6 years later completely heartbroken and so angry wondering what did I ever do to deserve this situation?  Who did I screw over that Karma now is coming after me?  I have always been nice and caring of others which is probably how I got into this mess in the first place.  I am certain that he has no idea the extent of the damage that he has done to me...all I can think about is when can I get to that numb phase where I won't be able to feel anything?  I hope to God this was not intentional, some way that he could get back at womankind after his ex screwed him and his heart over.  God I wish that I knew then what I know now...I would never have married him.  I would have found someone else and had my beautiful Connor, Liam and Reilly with them, the problem is I say this but how true it is I am not sure...I would like to think that I would have done that but in actuality I would likely have put things on hold so he could get help.  At least though if I would have known then I could have made the choice to marry a recovering alcoholic or not, since I did not know I was not given that choice.  All I can do now is pray to God that he give me the strength to deal with this, deal with my anger so I can forgive and be the best mom I can be.