So the boys are home today and I am not as lonely as I was but somehow I just cannot get my mind off of him. I was reading articles about how to tell if divorce is right for you or are you ready for divorce and the like because I still sit here and wonder am I doing the right thing. I am going to list the cons:
1) he has a horrible temper that is not easily controlled 2) When he is mad or we are arguing he calls me all kinds of names 3) part of his temper is lashing out, if he does not hear what he wants to hear or I do something he seems bound and determined to make me feel bad about it 4) co-dependent and possible mental disorder, a personality disorder or bi-polar etc 5) I don't think he honestly respects me or any woman out there, at least it does not seem like he does 6) I don't think he is capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved 7) selfish self centered 8) Has not ventured out on his own in the 3 years we have been separated, stayed at his mom's who watches the boys when he has meetings, running his business and now working out but he has never had to worry about making it on his own which leads to his lack of maturity and 9) screws with my head and is very good at it.
I am sure if I dug I could spew out more things that just makes him as a partner a very bad idea. Now the pros:
1) He truly loves me 2) he is faithful 3) I think he has good intentions (although there is the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions) but I think he has good intentions. 4) He is a good father 5) He is funny
With this I am sure if I dug deeper I could find other good things but these are what I could come up with this moment. Even as I look at the two lists my love for him is just so overwhelming, even after all I have been through with him. I think what makes me even more sad is that I am losing a friend, granted no friend I ever have had has said the things he has said to me, but he and I could laugh and usually would have a good time with one another. I could vent to him and he would be on my side, he could vent to me and most times I would be on his side unless it was obvious that he was in the wrong. There was a good level of comfort it seemed but then again there was something missing. We were lacking true intimacy, whether because I just could not open up to him or visa versa I don't know that either of us truly let the other in. Something for me to work on, then again if I feel comfortable with someone then I am usually an open book almost telling more than I should...likely I never felt that amount of comfort with him or because of what it was like the first 6 years of our marriage where he was an out of control alcoholic, I learned to not get that close, not trust, not allow him in and even though he is sober now 3 years some of that on my part still remains.
I know it is not healthy to remain married to him even though it shreds my heart every single day because I know how much I love him and the thought of us not working out is far too painful to think about. Regardless what is meant to be will be. Maybe some time on his own will allow for some more introspection and all will be revealed to him and he will magically become the man I need. Maybe, or maybe this will be the start of my own journey in seek of who Jennifer is which maybe leads to prince charming down the road...Only time will tell, until then I try to figure out how to deal with all of my emotions.
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