It is coming to an end

I receive an email from my attorney end of last week saying she almost has the decree done.  There is some relief yet a lot of sadness.  Today I get an email from him stating that he was not trying to be insensitive by asking when he might be served just that he is moving on and already is kinda seeing someone.  Now until the divorce is final it won't move past the friend stage he says, I say why the hell not please please sleep with her please help me get rid of the romantic love I still for some reason have...please do this and put me out of my misery...I beg of you...He says that if I decide I want to come back to him after this is all done that he is game for that...I have seen the true him throughout the last 13 years from the drunk him to the sober him, the only main difference is that he is not drinking...he is still very mean, still plays the victim, still thinks about himself...this whole thing about moving on is so he feels better, so he can latch on to someone else, someone else who apparently knows he is still in love with me...he states he will never again commit to anyone

I think it is funny how he shows his love...if I did horrible crap to my husband for so many years yet he stayed, we went to counseling and I kept displaying my temper which I could not control, if he came to me and said I love you but I need closure on all the crap that was this relationship but that after it is over we can try again with a clean slate would I believe him?  I don't know maybe it is too far fetched to believe that we could start over a clean slate, maybe I would think that he was just telling me this to make me agree to the divorce?  Maybe not, but I know I would never even think about jumping into the sack with someone else only a month after the bed went cold...granted we have been separated for 3 years but the bed has literally only been cold for a little over a month...I don't know.  I just feeling like breaking down, I just need this pain to go away asap, I wish I cold just numb the pain but doing that would not allow me to grieve properly, would not allow me to be okay with it being just me (well besides my boys of course) but as a friend told me only when I am okay with being alone will I be healthy enough to find the one.

I just need to keep in mind what I never wanted to put up with, what I did put up with, what I was still putting up with after his sobriety and think about how much better life will be...problem is that I still love him to damn much.  Someday that love will fade