I really desire peace always but specifically at this time. Last night was not a good night for me...I have this sneaking suspicion that he may already have his sights on the next her...maybe I am reading into it but when I was telling my older male coworker who has been listening to all of my rants about how he hung out with his friend and friend's girlfriend and girlfriends sister last week (the only way I knew was because he posted something about having fun with them and she posted something also) and then this weekend apparently she was sick so he brought her soup and medication...so maybe I am creating this in my head to make it all easier because if he screws her then the spell is broken because I want no part of that again...anyways when I mention this to my coworker he tells me that women tend to take a year or two to really move on but guys tend to dive right in to the next relationship and his take on what I said was that my soon to be ex was that it sounds like he has moved on...
So this should not bother me right? Last week I hoped that he had screwed her (now I say this because he has mentioned before that she wants to) because then as I said the spell would be broken...Some may not really understand why I want the divorce to literally put an end date on the last 13 years, basically box it all up all the bad, take from it lessons learned but box it up never to be opened again and start over with a clean slate. My hope was that it could be a clean slate between he and I. We could divorce, take some time for ourselves to truly develop who we are and then try back at it...at first I thought he was up for it and understood where I am coming from, now I don't think he does or if he does understand that is not what he wants and even though this would allow me to get over the past 13 years of crap primarily the last 9 with the crap he did, his thought is that he deserves better than this so he does not want to try for a maybe that it would work. So I thought about this and again saw selfishness on his part. Yes me wanting the divorce can be seen as selfish, but this is the only thing I can see that literally will allow me to get past all of that. Because it would be boxed up and starting with a clean slate neither of us could bring up past crap into arguments, we would have to start fresh and make sure we did it the right way this time. To me it seems logical, to him is seems crazy unless he just has ulterior motives for not wanting the divorce...not sure.
Anyways it is kind of sad and I was so upset last night I had thoughts of calling it off and telling him lets get back together...that happens here and there and then I have to remember the names he has called me, the examples of his selfish behaviors how he can not get past what he feels I am doing to him right now instead of understanding I need this to put closure on all the bad he did to me...but of course he would not see that, he would not see how he royally screwed with my head, caused psychological and emotional abuse for a time period of at least 6 years non stop and he thinks this past month has been an unimaginable horrible roller coaster of emotions that he is so sick of...I want to say try doing that for 6 years...that is what I want to say...I also want to remind him that his crazy behavior a month ago is what pushed my hand...but I don't. I don't tell him the God's honest truth about what I believe is wrong with him. I don't say mean things to him even though when he says them to me I want to say them back, but I don't...why because I am an adult who still respects him enough to not purposefully lash out at him and hurt him even more. I don't think I can say the same about him at least at this point and he is damn near 40.
So I know this will be slow going two steps ahead and one step back every few days but when I really sit there and analyze the situation and what I feel I deserve in a partner and when I get hurtful texts from him because he thought I should not be wining on FB about being sad and how I am spineless and whatnot these things reinforce the fact that this is the right thing for me. I was talking with a coworker and friend at work today telling her what I want in a future boyfriend: She asked if I was going after the bad boys again I said No but when she asked about tattoos and motorcycles I was like ya that would work, he has to have a child so he understands what it is like to be a parent, he has to be emotionally mature, a homebody, goes to bed at a normal time (not a night owl), good hygiene, no drugs or alcoholism, either he does not drink just because it is not something he wants to do (not because he can't or shouldn't) or will drink socially every so often...there are other things we spoke about but it was nice to be able to verbalize that stuff and she said it was good that I am able to think about moving on. It will be tough, surly but I know the type of guy I deserve and I will find "the one" especially if he can't be "the one"...
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