I receive an email from my attorney end of last week saying she almost has the decree done. There is some relief yet a lot of sadness. Today I get an email from him stating that he was not trying to be insensitive by asking when he might be served just that he is moving on and already is kinda seeing someone. Now until the divorce is final it won't move past the friend stage he says, I say why the hell not please please sleep with her please help me get rid of the romantic love I still for some reason have...please do this and put me out of my misery...I beg of you...He says that if I decide I want to come back to him after this is all done that he is game for that...I have seen the true him throughout the last 13 years from the drunk him to the sober him, the only main difference is that he is not drinking...he is still very mean, still plays the victim, still thinks about himself...this whole thing about moving on is so he feels better, so he can latch on to someone else, someone else who apparently knows he is still in love with me...he states he will never again commit to anyone
I think it is funny how he shows his love...if I did horrible crap to my husband for so many years yet he stayed, we went to counseling and I kept displaying my temper which I could not control, if he came to me and said I love you but I need closure on all the crap that was this relationship but that after it is over we can try again with a clean slate would I believe him? I don't know maybe it is too far fetched to believe that we could start over a clean slate, maybe I would think that he was just telling me this to make me agree to the divorce? Maybe not, but I know I would never even think about jumping into the sack with someone else only a month after the bed went cold...granted we have been separated for 3 years but the bed has literally only been cold for a little over a month...I don't know. I just feeling like breaking down, I just need this pain to go away asap, I wish I cold just numb the pain but doing that would not allow me to grieve properly, would not allow me to be okay with it being just me (well besides my boys of course) but as a friend told me only when I am okay with being alone will I be healthy enough to find the one.
I just need to keep in mind what I never wanted to put up with, what I did put up with, what I was still putting up with after his sobriety and think about how much better life will be...problem is that I still love him to damn much. Someday that love will fade
Monday, September 30, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
A nice cool day
Oh my. The boys are home and are not listening as usual. I heard from my attorney two days ago, she stated that she had the decree done except for the custody plan which she was going to finish yesterday. It all should be the same as the temp orders. I know this is the right thing for me to do but it still sucks. I do love him so much, I just wish this all could have happened differently. I am sure I will always feel that way. Maybe he can get it all together, figure out who he truly is. Maybe it will work out some day in the future, maybe not. Maybe he will find the person who is perfect for him and maybe I will find the person who is perfect for me...I guess we shall see.
I have been able to sleep for the past 3 nights and I hope this continues. I don't know if he and I texting again after having not for several days and I take comfort in that. It is on a friend like basis, checking in on the boys, how our days are etc...and I hope this is something that we can continue. I don't know I still feel sad about the whole thing and catch myself for a split second thinking that maybe I should just stop it...then I think about why I can't.
I have been able to sleep for the past 3 nights and I hope this continues. I don't know if he and I texting again after having not for several days and I take comfort in that. It is on a friend like basis, checking in on the boys, how our days are etc...and I hope this is something that we can continue. I don't know I still feel sad about the whole thing and catch myself for a split second thinking that maybe I should just stop it...then I think about why I can't.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Praying for peace
I really desire peace always but specifically at this time. Last night was not a good night for me...I have this sneaking suspicion that he may already have his sights on the next her...maybe I am reading into it but when I was telling my older male coworker who has been listening to all of my rants about how he hung out with his friend and friend's girlfriend and girlfriends sister last week (the only way I knew was because he posted something about having fun with them and she posted something also) and then this weekend apparently she was sick so he brought her soup and medication...so maybe I am creating this in my head to make it all easier because if he screws her then the spell is broken because I want no part of that again...anyways when I mention this to my coworker he tells me that women tend to take a year or two to really move on but guys tend to dive right in to the next relationship and his take on what I said was that my soon to be ex was that it sounds like he has moved on...
So this should not bother me right? Last week I hoped that he had screwed her (now I say this because he has mentioned before that she wants to) because then as I said the spell would be broken...Some may not really understand why I want the divorce to literally put an end date on the last 13 years, basically box it all up all the bad, take from it lessons learned but box it up never to be opened again and start over with a clean slate. My hope was that it could be a clean slate between he and I. We could divorce, take some time for ourselves to truly develop who we are and then try back at it...at first I thought he was up for it and understood where I am coming from, now I don't think he does or if he does understand that is not what he wants and even though this would allow me to get over the past 13 years of crap primarily the last 9 with the crap he did, his thought is that he deserves better than this so he does not want to try for a maybe that it would work. So I thought about this and again saw selfishness on his part. Yes me wanting the divorce can be seen as selfish, but this is the only thing I can see that literally will allow me to get past all of that. Because it would be boxed up and starting with a clean slate neither of us could bring up past crap into arguments, we would have to start fresh and make sure we did it the right way this time. To me it seems logical, to him is seems crazy unless he just has ulterior motives for not wanting the divorce...not sure.
Anyways it is kind of sad and I was so upset last night I had thoughts of calling it off and telling him lets get back together...that happens here and there and then I have to remember the names he has called me, the examples of his selfish behaviors how he can not get past what he feels I am doing to him right now instead of understanding I need this to put closure on all the bad he did to me...but of course he would not see that, he would not see how he royally screwed with my head, caused psychological and emotional abuse for a time period of at least 6 years non stop and he thinks this past month has been an unimaginable horrible roller coaster of emotions that he is so sick of...I want to say try doing that for 6 years...that is what I want to say...I also want to remind him that his crazy behavior a month ago is what pushed my hand...but I don't. I don't tell him the God's honest truth about what I believe is wrong with him. I don't say mean things to him even though when he says them to me I want to say them back, but I don't...why because I am an adult who still respects him enough to not purposefully lash out at him and hurt him even more. I don't think I can say the same about him at least at this point and he is damn near 40.
So I know this will be slow going two steps ahead and one step back every few days but when I really sit there and analyze the situation and what I feel I deserve in a partner and when I get hurtful texts from him because he thought I should not be wining on FB about being sad and how I am spineless and whatnot these things reinforce the fact that this is the right thing for me. I was talking with a coworker and friend at work today telling her what I want in a future boyfriend: She asked if I was going after the bad boys again I said No but when she asked about tattoos and motorcycles I was like ya that would work, he has to have a child so he understands what it is like to be a parent, he has to be emotionally mature, a homebody, goes to bed at a normal time (not a night owl), good hygiene, no drugs or alcoholism, either he does not drink just because it is not something he wants to do (not because he can't or shouldn't) or will drink socially every so often...there are other things we spoke about but it was nice to be able to verbalize that stuff and she said it was good that I am able to think about moving on. It will be tough, surly but I know the type of guy I deserve and I will find "the one" especially if he can't be "the one"...
So this should not bother me right? Last week I hoped that he had screwed her (now I say this because he has mentioned before that she wants to) because then as I said the spell would be broken...Some may not really understand why I want the divorce to literally put an end date on the last 13 years, basically box it all up all the bad, take from it lessons learned but box it up never to be opened again and start over with a clean slate. My hope was that it could be a clean slate between he and I. We could divorce, take some time for ourselves to truly develop who we are and then try back at it...at first I thought he was up for it and understood where I am coming from, now I don't think he does or if he does understand that is not what he wants and even though this would allow me to get over the past 13 years of crap primarily the last 9 with the crap he did, his thought is that he deserves better than this so he does not want to try for a maybe that it would work. So I thought about this and again saw selfishness on his part. Yes me wanting the divorce can be seen as selfish, but this is the only thing I can see that literally will allow me to get past all of that. Because it would be boxed up and starting with a clean slate neither of us could bring up past crap into arguments, we would have to start fresh and make sure we did it the right way this time. To me it seems logical, to him is seems crazy unless he just has ulterior motives for not wanting the divorce...not sure.
Anyways it is kind of sad and I was so upset last night I had thoughts of calling it off and telling him lets get back together...that happens here and there and then I have to remember the names he has called me, the examples of his selfish behaviors how he can not get past what he feels I am doing to him right now instead of understanding I need this to put closure on all the bad he did to me...but of course he would not see that, he would not see how he royally screwed with my head, caused psychological and emotional abuse for a time period of at least 6 years non stop and he thinks this past month has been an unimaginable horrible roller coaster of emotions that he is so sick of...I want to say try doing that for 6 years...that is what I want to say...I also want to remind him that his crazy behavior a month ago is what pushed my hand...but I don't. I don't tell him the God's honest truth about what I believe is wrong with him. I don't say mean things to him even though when he says them to me I want to say them back, but I don't...why because I am an adult who still respects him enough to not purposefully lash out at him and hurt him even more. I don't think I can say the same about him at least at this point and he is damn near 40.
So I know this will be slow going two steps ahead and one step back every few days but when I really sit there and analyze the situation and what I feel I deserve in a partner and when I get hurtful texts from him because he thought I should not be wining on FB about being sad and how I am spineless and whatnot these things reinforce the fact that this is the right thing for me. I was talking with a coworker and friend at work today telling her what I want in a future boyfriend: She asked if I was going after the bad boys again I said No but when she asked about tattoos and motorcycles I was like ya that would work, he has to have a child so he understands what it is like to be a parent, he has to be emotionally mature, a homebody, goes to bed at a normal time (not a night owl), good hygiene, no drugs or alcoholism, either he does not drink just because it is not something he wants to do (not because he can't or shouldn't) or will drink socially every so often...there are other things we spoke about but it was nice to be able to verbalize that stuff and she said it was good that I am able to think about moving on. It will be tough, surly but I know the type of guy I deserve and I will find "the one" especially if he can't be "the one"...
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Ah I am going to quit counting the days...
So the boys are home today and I am not as lonely as I was but somehow I just cannot get my mind off of him. I was reading articles about how to tell if divorce is right for you or are you ready for divorce and the like because I still sit here and wonder am I doing the right thing. I am going to list the cons:
1) he has a horrible temper that is not easily controlled 2) When he is mad or we are arguing he calls me all kinds of names 3) part of his temper is lashing out, if he does not hear what he wants to hear or I do something he seems bound and determined to make me feel bad about it 4) co-dependent and possible mental disorder, a personality disorder or bi-polar etc 5) I don't think he honestly respects me or any woman out there, at least it does not seem like he does 6) I don't think he is capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved 7) selfish self centered 8) Has not ventured out on his own in the 3 years we have been separated, stayed at his mom's who watches the boys when he has meetings, running his business and now working out but he has never had to worry about making it on his own which leads to his lack of maturity and 9) screws with my head and is very good at it.
I am sure if I dug I could spew out more things that just makes him as a partner a very bad idea. Now the pros:
1) He truly loves me 2) he is faithful 3) I think he has good intentions (although there is the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions) but I think he has good intentions. 4) He is a good father 5) He is funny
With this I am sure if I dug deeper I could find other good things but these are what I could come up with this moment. Even as I look at the two lists my love for him is just so overwhelming, even after all I have been through with him. I think what makes me even more sad is that I am losing a friend, granted no friend I ever have had has said the things he has said to me, but he and I could laugh and usually would have a good time with one another. I could vent to him and he would be on my side, he could vent to me and most times I would be on his side unless it was obvious that he was in the wrong. There was a good level of comfort it seemed but then again there was something missing. We were lacking true intimacy, whether because I just could not open up to him or visa versa I don't know that either of us truly let the other in. Something for me to work on, then again if I feel comfortable with someone then I am usually an open book almost telling more than I should...likely I never felt that amount of comfort with him or because of what it was like the first 6 years of our marriage where he was an out of control alcoholic, I learned to not get that close, not trust, not allow him in and even though he is sober now 3 years some of that on my part still remains.
I know it is not healthy to remain married to him even though it shreds my heart every single day because I know how much I love him and the thought of us not working out is far too painful to think about. Regardless what is meant to be will be. Maybe some time on his own will allow for some more introspection and all will be revealed to him and he will magically become the man I need. Maybe, or maybe this will be the start of my own journey in seek of who Jennifer is which maybe leads to prince charming down the road...Only time will tell, until then I try to figure out how to deal with all of my emotions.
1) he has a horrible temper that is not easily controlled 2) When he is mad or we are arguing he calls me all kinds of names 3) part of his temper is lashing out, if he does not hear what he wants to hear or I do something he seems bound and determined to make me feel bad about it 4) co-dependent and possible mental disorder, a personality disorder or bi-polar etc 5) I don't think he honestly respects me or any woman out there, at least it does not seem like he does 6) I don't think he is capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved 7) selfish self centered 8) Has not ventured out on his own in the 3 years we have been separated, stayed at his mom's who watches the boys when he has meetings, running his business and now working out but he has never had to worry about making it on his own which leads to his lack of maturity and 9) screws with my head and is very good at it.
I am sure if I dug I could spew out more things that just makes him as a partner a very bad idea. Now the pros:
1) He truly loves me 2) he is faithful 3) I think he has good intentions (although there is the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions) but I think he has good intentions. 4) He is a good father 5) He is funny
With this I am sure if I dug deeper I could find other good things but these are what I could come up with this moment. Even as I look at the two lists my love for him is just so overwhelming, even after all I have been through with him. I think what makes me even more sad is that I am losing a friend, granted no friend I ever have had has said the things he has said to me, but he and I could laugh and usually would have a good time with one another. I could vent to him and he would be on my side, he could vent to me and most times I would be on his side unless it was obvious that he was in the wrong. There was a good level of comfort it seemed but then again there was something missing. We were lacking true intimacy, whether because I just could not open up to him or visa versa I don't know that either of us truly let the other in. Something for me to work on, then again if I feel comfortable with someone then I am usually an open book almost telling more than I should...likely I never felt that amount of comfort with him or because of what it was like the first 6 years of our marriage where he was an out of control alcoholic, I learned to not get that close, not trust, not allow him in and even though he is sober now 3 years some of that on my part still remains.
I know it is not healthy to remain married to him even though it shreds my heart every single day because I know how much I love him and the thought of us not working out is far too painful to think about. Regardless what is meant to be will be. Maybe some time on his own will allow for some more introspection and all will be revealed to him and he will magically become the man I need. Maybe, or maybe this will be the start of my own journey in seek of who Jennifer is which maybe leads to prince charming down the road...Only time will tell, until then I try to figure out how to deal with all of my emotions.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Day 7...oh hell what day is it
Well today was ok. Still having problems sleeping, kept waking up last night and the insomnia medical is not even working. This morning I just could not get out of bed and when I finally did the day was ok, I went and did visits getting to talk with a couple of daycare home providers which was nice. So I get this email from him at 2 am stating that the previous email that was not very nice was not supposed to be sent, that he thought it was in his drafts but that it was sent and goes on to apologize for the rudeness of it all. Prior to this he texts me that he was at the gym, which his evening part of the workout can only be done because his parents/mom is home with the boys which allows him to hit the gym twice in one day. I will have to admit that the pic he posted on FB does show off his newly acquired muscles quite nicely...Oh God I swear even though he has put me through the ringer I still just think about him so much. I have to remind myself of his flaws to keep from saying screw it and running back to him. I guess because of all the things he did he never did cheat and he does truly love me and I guess there is that fear that the next guy won't be faithful...I don't know why that is such a fear because if I find a good guy...but then again...I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if being with the devil you know is better than being with the devil you don't know...
In his email he stated he was going to stop trying to get me back because if it is meant to be then it is going to happen. This has been my thought process as well...maybe after this is done we will be able to be the people we are suppose to be and see if those people are compatible. Then again if it involves crazy, nothing is going to make it work. I feel really upset today. I know everything will be okay but I cannot convince my heart of this. I feel like I am going to break down all of the time, I feel so alone, I feel so weak, I feel so sad, so depressed and even though I know that things have to get better, I cannot visualize this, I cannot visualize how to get to happy how that is going to happen. I know I made this choice to move forward with the divorce but my heart feels like it has been ripped out and nothing is left but an empty hole. The life I wanted so badly seems just out of reach that no matter what I do I will never have it. I want to be set free from this pain, can't I just fast forward through all of this and get to the point where I am truly happy? I know it does not work that way but I sometimes question how much I can take after taking what has been given for so long. I really need to find my big girl panties and man up, not sure where I put them...
In his email he stated he was going to stop trying to get me back because if it is meant to be then it is going to happen. This has been my thought process as well...maybe after this is done we will be able to be the people we are suppose to be and see if those people are compatible. Then again if it involves crazy, nothing is going to make it work. I feel really upset today. I know everything will be okay but I cannot convince my heart of this. I feel like I am going to break down all of the time, I feel so alone, I feel so weak, I feel so sad, so depressed and even though I know that things have to get better, I cannot visualize this, I cannot visualize how to get to happy how that is going to happen. I know I made this choice to move forward with the divorce but my heart feels like it has been ripped out and nothing is left but an empty hole. The life I wanted so badly seems just out of reach that no matter what I do I will never have it. I want to be set free from this pain, can't I just fast forward through all of this and get to the point where I am truly happy? I know it does not work that way but I sometimes question how much I can take after taking what has been given for so long. I really need to find my big girl panties and man up, not sure where I put them...
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Lord day 5 and 6?
This daily blogging thing is much more difficult than I initially thought. Oh well its purpose is to vent, to work through feeling and thoughts. Well today was an okay day, I was extremely tired this morning but perked up around the noon hour. I have not been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. My doctor wrote me a prescription for something that should help me fall asleep but it did not keep me asleep so I would wake up and just toss and turn mind racing. Yesterday she gave me some samples of medication for insomnia, last night I slept better but still was up a couple of times...I know it is all because of this divorce thing. I still sit there and wonder if I am doing the right thing...then I get an email or read something he put on facebook and realize yes in fact I am doing the right thing. Today he stated he does not want to be friends which I guess I would have been surprised if we would have been able to do that anyways, but he said that he does not think I am capable of turning around my selfish ways nor does he think that I want to...I really wish he could tell me how I am being selfish except for the fact that I am doing what is best for me (and honestly the boys) and for this relationship. I then proceeded to write a word document titled "the reasons I left" and proceeded to tell him unfiltered exactly what I want to say to him every time he plays victim...I am sure this is a work in progress and will help greatly with my healing and I will have to fight myself to not send it after everything is final...even though if he took it seriously and could address those issues and see his greater part in this then he might be able to give the next girl a good life. That though is not my problem to fix, I could not do that while we were together I sure as hell can not being apart.
It does take everything in me to not just lash out and spew all kinds of things at him, to tell him it is his fault that our relationship is going where it is going...if he could have controlled his temper, got over his resentments and became less selfish and self centered then we would have had a good chance...this is a lot and to be honest I would have had to do the same especially with the resentments, with the 6 years of drunken behavior 3am fights and constantly wondering if he was dead because of a car accident and towards the end praying he was...I don't know I just hope this is done quickly because the quicker we are done the quicker I can really relax and sleep...I am a total bitch when I don't get my sleep...
It does take everything in me to not just lash out and spew all kinds of things at him, to tell him it is his fault that our relationship is going where it is going...if he could have controlled his temper, got over his resentments and became less selfish and self centered then we would have had a good chance...this is a lot and to be honest I would have had to do the same especially with the resentments, with the 6 years of drunken behavior 3am fights and constantly wondering if he was dead because of a car accident and towards the end praying he was...I don't know I just hope this is done quickly because the quicker we are done the quicker I can really relax and sleep...I am a total bitch when I don't get my sleep...
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
day 4 and 5???
Wow this writing everyday might be a bit difficult, anyways. Today was a good day, I was super tired this morning because I just could not sleep well last night, bought some Tylenol PM at lunch so maybe tonight...Today was uneventful which is always good, but it still seemed like the day dragged and that the week is dragging as well. Did not hear too much from him today and that is a good thing because it just makes this all the more difficult, I have this sneaking suspicion that he may be on his way to "seeing" someone else if he has not already...kind of a gut feeling I guess, but I kinda hope so because then it will make this all the easier because any feelings I have for him will disappear immediately...it will just make things again easier on my side. We shall see...I can see though how this being friends think may not pan out so well...maybe further down the road that can be achieved, who knows maybe it will be just fine only time will tell.
I am very lucky to have the support system that I have. People who are like minded and when I vent or talk about stuff they understand what I am saying and seem to feel the same way...I have many friends and family who will call me out on stuff if I am being dumb so I guess this validates my feelings or thoughts on issues. I have been sitting there re-evaluating things, looking back on past incidents which just reinforces that my move is the right one. It still sucks but it will for awhile and then I will be able to move forward sometime in the future. I know this realistically but still those doubts creep into my mind and cause anxiety...but it is what it is and it will play out how it is suppose to.
Anyways still want to sleep most of the time yet when it is time to sleep I cannot quiet my mind or if I wake up then I cannot get back to sleep. That makes it worse. I pray for some good sleep tonight. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to face what I will face and be able to do it with grace (ha that rhymed!)
I am very lucky to have the support system that I have. People who are like minded and when I vent or talk about stuff they understand what I am saying and seem to feel the same way...I have many friends and family who will call me out on stuff if I am being dumb so I guess this validates my feelings or thoughts on issues. I have been sitting there re-evaluating things, looking back on past incidents which just reinforces that my move is the right one. It still sucks but it will for awhile and then I will be able to move forward sometime in the future. I know this realistically but still those doubts creep into my mind and cause anxiety...but it is what it is and it will play out how it is suppose to.
Anyways still want to sleep most of the time yet when it is time to sleep I cannot quiet my mind or if I wake up then I cannot get back to sleep. That makes it worse. I pray for some good sleep tonight. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to face what I will face and be able to do it with grace (ha that rhymed!)
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Day 3
Today was uneventful which is usually a good thing. It is weird to want to be alone yet hate feeling alone. I went to church today and heard a good message but rather than hanging out after to talk with people I just left. I need to figure a way to be able to put myself out there. I don't know where this comes from, I need to find out. I really miss him yet I know that neither of us are in a healthy state that we would need to be...hell I don't know that we ever will be. It makes me sad but I guess this is normal, I am grieving the ending of an era the end of 13 years of love, hate, frustration, pain, remorse, anxiety the list could go on and on. The only thing that I feel I did not go through with him is him cheating on me...if I had then I would have gone through every bad thing most people would not tolerate...yet I did because I wanted my little family, I wanted to fix it but nothing I could do could make that happen. I went from one extreme to another in hopes that something would get him to see what he was doing that he needed to change. That change began almost 3 years ago and still continues as I type, I worry that he has destroyed me, being with him through all of this has permanently scarred my soul my mind. Will I be able to really trust someone again to really let someone in, to make myself vulnerable again? I don't know, I hope to be able to do so otherwise if we were looking at this as some type of recovering competition, he wins.
I was reading about co-dependency earlier and saw how co-dependent I was and how much I struggle with currently. I know this and the first step is to see this, recognize this and then work on being able to have a healthy relationship...what is that though? I am so used to what I was used to that the whole concept seems foreign to me. What does that look like? I know the type of relationship he tried to have and still wants with someone someday is not healthy, he seems to want to be suffocated with love, to be someone's everything, to be their center...something that I know I cannot ever be. Where to begin, maybe I already have by starting this and getting all the crap that swims in my head out, out where I can re-read it and realize how far I have come several months down the road. He has begun to work out at a gym, no doubt to get him in shape to make it easier to pick up chicks...kinda hard knowing this but it is what it is. I wish magic could just take the pain and hurt away to make me numb if only for a minute, to be able to not think about what could have been what might have been what was already...
I know that I need to go through the process and grieve properly in order to heal but I still will go back to why me...this is not fair...and I know that it is not and that life is not fair, and I know there is a reason why I had to go through this to maybe become the person I am suppose to be? Ah it just sucks, I feel so lost right now. I have been told it is the darkest before the light comes and I hold onto the fact that one day the light will come and I will be able to be peaceful, be open, be the real me completely. How do I do that, how do I find that, how does this work? How can I make this panic leave my body, leave my heart and my mind. How can I make myself believe it will be okay...I have done this on my own thing for 3 years now so nothing should be different right? Ideally yes but in the back of my mind I knew that he and I would work it out so really I was not alone, I still felt some security knowing that once we ironed out a few issues we would be okay and living back together again. Now that this is not going to happen I must face my fear of being alone, yes I have my boys and they are with me essentially half of the month but that part of me that yearns for a real relationship a real partner will probably only get worse before I am comfortable with the idea of honestly being alone. Then and only then will I be healthy enough to try again...damn I need to find a hobby.
I was reading about co-dependency earlier and saw how co-dependent I was and how much I struggle with currently. I know this and the first step is to see this, recognize this and then work on being able to have a healthy relationship...what is that though? I am so used to what I was used to that the whole concept seems foreign to me. What does that look like? I know the type of relationship he tried to have and still wants with someone someday is not healthy, he seems to want to be suffocated with love, to be someone's everything, to be their center...something that I know I cannot ever be. Where to begin, maybe I already have by starting this and getting all the crap that swims in my head out, out where I can re-read it and realize how far I have come several months down the road. He has begun to work out at a gym, no doubt to get him in shape to make it easier to pick up chicks...kinda hard knowing this but it is what it is. I wish magic could just take the pain and hurt away to make me numb if only for a minute, to be able to not think about what could have been what might have been what was already...
I know that I need to go through the process and grieve properly in order to heal but I still will go back to why me...this is not fair...and I know that it is not and that life is not fair, and I know there is a reason why I had to go through this to maybe become the person I am suppose to be? Ah it just sucks, I feel so lost right now. I have been told it is the darkest before the light comes and I hold onto the fact that one day the light will come and I will be able to be peaceful, be open, be the real me completely. How do I do that, how do I find that, how does this work? How can I make this panic leave my body, leave my heart and my mind. How can I make myself believe it will be okay...I have done this on my own thing for 3 years now so nothing should be different right? Ideally yes but in the back of my mind I knew that he and I would work it out so really I was not alone, I still felt some security knowing that once we ironed out a few issues we would be okay and living back together again. Now that this is not going to happen I must face my fear of being alone, yes I have my boys and they are with me essentially half of the month but that part of me that yearns for a real relationship a real partner will probably only get worse before I am comfortable with the idea of honestly being alone. Then and only then will I be healthy enough to try again...damn I need to find a hobby.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Day 2
Well today is just a normal day did errands, laundry, picked up and mowed the lawn. Still more to do tomorrow, but there always is. I did not stay up all that late last night but found that I could not get myself out of bed until 11:30 this morning...I think depression has definitely set in. I am constantly sad wishing for a different result. I never wanted to get divorced I just wanted my happy little family, but I did not get that. Now do not misunderstand I have the choice to keep my little family as it is, but then I sit there and wonder what kind of life would I have. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on egg shells for fear that something I say or do will cause my husband to blow up. Things tended to build up with him until he could not stand it anymore and he just let loose...problem was that he tended to also say some very hurtful things. It usually seemed that he would be nice as long as things were going his way and he was getting what he wanted, but the moment he did not like things then he became almost mean. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion...some of those who know him like his family would say so but this is how it felt to be me. So as I sit here and think about the life I really want this does not include feeling like crap or feeling that I cannot do anything without letting him know. He says it was not that he wanted me to ask permission but that he just wanted to be included in my life...I get it but even if he did not like what I was thinking of doing if I wanted to do it I would and then the issue would be that I did not take his opinion into account and did what I wanted to do anyway.
I have been with him for 13 years total and even though I try to not get all poor me I do sit there and wonder sometimes "why me?" Was the plan for me to go through all I went through with him in order to find myself again? Was it for me to have my babies because I really only ever wanted to be a mommy and not a wife? Do I not want to be a wife? I don't know. What I do know is I want someone to love me for me, someone who is an introvert like me, someone whose love language is service like mine is, someone who also has children because I then know they understand what is involved, someone who respects me and will hug me rather than grab my butt, someone who values who I am and what I can do, someone who puts positivity out into the world, someone who can just be...I want someone who is satisfied with just being...I would love to be with someone whose idea of a perfect night is sitting on the couch watching a movie or each reading and just satisfied with being near each other, no talking is needed.
I am kinda scared at the idea of getting out there. I think who is really available in their late 30's early 40's...I suppose divorced dads and maybe I can find someone who completely meshes with me. My dream would be that my husband works on what he needs to and magically becomes the man I need and then we bring our little family back together. This is but a dream. I know it will be hard when he moves on for me to deal with. he will likely move on before I do and that is okay I do want him to be happy but the idea of being alone is scary. I have my boys and will place all my attention on them but those weekends when they are with him and I am alone those are the moments right now I dread. My goal is to discover more about me. I want to learn to meditate and gain even more self confidence...self confidence is sexy from what I have heard...I could use all the help I can get :-)
I need to look into seeing if there is some kind of class or activity I can get involved in, get me out meeting new people and all that. Hum I will have to think about that.
What I do know right now is that this will be difficult but doable and I have become so much stronger than I used to be and can handle so much more than before. I have learned what I will and will not deal with...I just don't want to turn into the crazy old cat lady...
I have been with him for 13 years total and even though I try to not get all poor me I do sit there and wonder sometimes "why me?" Was the plan for me to go through all I went through with him in order to find myself again? Was it for me to have my babies because I really only ever wanted to be a mommy and not a wife? Do I not want to be a wife? I don't know. What I do know is I want someone to love me for me, someone who is an introvert like me, someone whose love language is service like mine is, someone who also has children because I then know they understand what is involved, someone who respects me and will hug me rather than grab my butt, someone who values who I am and what I can do, someone who puts positivity out into the world, someone who can just be...I want someone who is satisfied with just being...I would love to be with someone whose idea of a perfect night is sitting on the couch watching a movie or each reading and just satisfied with being near each other, no talking is needed.
I am kinda scared at the idea of getting out there. I think who is really available in their late 30's early 40's...I suppose divorced dads and maybe I can find someone who completely meshes with me. My dream would be that my husband works on what he needs to and magically becomes the man I need and then we bring our little family back together. This is but a dream. I know it will be hard when he moves on for me to deal with. he will likely move on before I do and that is okay I do want him to be happy but the idea of being alone is scary. I have my boys and will place all my attention on them but those weekends when they are with him and I am alone those are the moments right now I dread. My goal is to discover more about me. I want to learn to meditate and gain even more self confidence...self confidence is sexy from what I have heard...I could use all the help I can get :-)
I need to look into seeing if there is some kind of class or activity I can get involved in, get me out meeting new people and all that. Hum I will have to think about that.
What I do know right now is that this will be difficult but doable and I have become so much stronger than I used to be and can handle so much more than before. I have learned what I will and will not deal with...I just don't want to turn into the crazy old cat lady...
Friday, September 13, 2013
Back at it again...
Day 1)
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be. We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading. I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce. We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple. In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable. He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc. He is trying to keep me from going through with it. I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved. I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around. Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out. I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later. So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode. I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth. I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back. Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children??? I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen. What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be. We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading. I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce. We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple. In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable. He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc. He is trying to keep me from going through with it. I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved. I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around. Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out. I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later. So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode. I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth. I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back. Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children??? I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen. What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)