Well today is just a normal day did errands, laundry, picked up and mowed the lawn. Still more to do tomorrow, but there always is. I did not stay up all that late last night but found that I could not get myself out of bed until 11:30 this morning...I think depression has definitely set in. I am constantly sad wishing for a different result. I never wanted to get divorced I just wanted my happy little family, but I did not get that. Now do not misunderstand I have the choice to keep my little family as it is, but then I sit there and wonder what kind of life would I have. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on egg shells for fear that something I say or do will cause my husband to blow up. Things tended to build up with him until he could not stand it anymore and he just let loose...problem was that he tended to also say some very hurtful things. It usually seemed that he would be nice as long as things were going his way and he was getting what he wanted, but the moment he did not like things then he became almost mean. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion...some of those who know him like his family would say so but this is how it felt to be me. So as I sit here and think about the life I really want this does not include feeling like crap or feeling that I cannot do anything without letting him know. He says it was not that he wanted me to ask permission but that he just wanted to be included in my life...I get it but even if he did not like what I was thinking of doing if I wanted to do it I would and then the issue would be that I did not take his opinion into account and did what I wanted to do anyway.
I have been with him for 13 years total and even though I try to not get all poor me I do sit there and wonder sometimes "why me?" Was the plan for me to go through all I went through with him in order to find myself again? Was it for me to have my babies because I really only ever wanted to be a mommy and not a wife? Do I not want to be a wife? I don't know. What I do know is I want someone to love me for me, someone who is an introvert like me, someone whose love language is service like mine is, someone who also has children because I then know they understand what is involved, someone who respects me and will hug me rather than grab my butt, someone who values who I am and what I can do, someone who puts positivity out into the world, someone who can just be...I want someone who is satisfied with just being...I would love to be with someone whose idea of a perfect night is sitting on the couch watching a movie or each reading and just satisfied with being near each other, no talking is needed.
I am kinda scared at the idea of getting out there. I think who is really available in their late 30's early 40's...I suppose divorced dads and maybe I can find someone who completely meshes with me. My dream would be that my husband works on what he needs to and magically becomes the man I need and then we bring our little family back together. This is but a dream. I know it will be hard when he moves on for me to deal with. he will likely move on before I do and that is okay I do want him to be happy but the idea of being alone is scary. I have my boys and will place all my attention on them but those weekends when they are with him and I am alone those are the moments right now I dread. My goal is to discover more about me. I want to learn to meditate and gain even more self confidence...self confidence is sexy from what I have heard...I could use all the help I can get :-)
I need to look into seeing if there is some kind of class or activity I can get involved in, get me out meeting new people and all that. Hum I will have to think about that.
What I do know right now is that this will be difficult but doable and I have become so much stronger than I used to be and can handle so much more than before. I have learned what I will and will not deal with...I just don't want to turn into the crazy old cat lady...
No comments:
Post a Comment