Well today was ok. Still having problems sleeping, kept waking up last night and the insomnia medical is not even working. This morning I just could not get out of bed and when I finally did the day was ok, I went and did visits getting to talk with a couple of daycare home providers which was nice. So I get this email from him at 2 am stating that the previous email that was not very nice was not supposed to be sent, that he thought it was in his drafts but that it was sent and goes on to apologize for the rudeness of it all. Prior to this he texts me that he was at the gym, which his evening part of the workout can only be done because his parents/mom is home with the boys which allows him to hit the gym twice in one day. I will have to admit that the pic he posted on FB does show off his newly acquired muscles quite nicely...Oh God I swear even though he has put me through the ringer I still just think about him so much. I have to remind myself of his flaws to keep from saying screw it and running back to him. I guess because of all the things he did he never did cheat and he does truly love me and I guess there is that fear that the next guy won't be faithful...I don't know why that is such a fear because if I find a good guy...but then again...I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if being with the devil you know is better than being with the devil you don't know...
In his email he stated he was going to stop trying to get me back because if it is meant to be then it is going to happen. This has been my thought process as well...maybe after this is done we will be able to be the people we are suppose to be and see if those people are compatible. Then again if it involves crazy, nothing is going to make it work. I feel really upset today. I know everything will be okay but I cannot convince my heart of this. I feel like I am going to break down all of the time, I feel so alone, I feel so weak, I feel so sad, so depressed and even though I know that things have to get better, I cannot visualize this, I cannot visualize how to get to happy how that is going to happen. I know I made this choice to move forward with the divorce but my heart feels like it has been ripped out and nothing is left but an empty hole. The life I wanted so badly seems just out of reach that no matter what I do I will never have it. I want to be set free from this pain, can't I just fast forward through all of this and get to the point where I am truly happy? I know it does not work that way but I sometimes question how much I can take after taking what has been given for so long. I really need to find my big girl panties and man up, not sure where I put them...
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