Today was uneventful which is usually a good thing. It is weird to want to be alone yet hate feeling alone. I went to church today and heard a good message but rather than hanging out after to talk with people I just left. I need to figure a way to be able to put myself out there. I don't know where this comes from, I need to find out. I really miss him yet I know that neither of us are in a healthy state that we would need to be...hell I don't know that we ever will be. It makes me sad but I guess this is normal, I am grieving the ending of an era the end of 13 years of love, hate, frustration, pain, remorse, anxiety the list could go on and on. The only thing that I feel I did not go through with him is him cheating on me...if I had then I would have gone through every bad thing most people would not tolerate...yet I did because I wanted my little family, I wanted to fix it but nothing I could do could make that happen. I went from one extreme to another in hopes that something would get him to see what he was doing that he needed to change. That change began almost 3 years ago and still continues as I type, I worry that he has destroyed me, being with him through all of this has permanently scarred my soul my mind. Will I be able to really trust someone again to really let someone in, to make myself vulnerable again? I don't know, I hope to be able to do so otherwise if we were looking at this as some type of recovering competition, he wins.
I was reading about co-dependency earlier and saw how co-dependent I was and how much I struggle with currently. I know this and the first step is to see this, recognize this and then work on being able to have a healthy relationship...what is that though? I am so used to what I was used to that the whole concept seems foreign to me. What does that look like? I know the type of relationship he tried to have and still wants with someone someday is not healthy, he seems to want to be suffocated with love, to be someone's everything, to be their center...something that I know I cannot ever be. Where to begin, maybe I already have by starting this and getting all the crap that swims in my head out, out where I can re-read it and realize how far I have come several months down the road. He has begun to work out at a gym, no doubt to get him in shape to make it easier to pick up chicks...kinda hard knowing this but it is what it is. I wish magic could just take the pain and hurt away to make me numb if only for a minute, to be able to not think about what could have been what might have been what was already...
I know that I need to go through the process and grieve properly in order to heal but I still will go back to why me...this is not fair...and I know that it is not and that life is not fair, and I know there is a reason why I had to go through this to maybe become the person I am suppose to be? Ah it just sucks, I feel so lost right now. I have been told it is the darkest before the light comes and I hold onto the fact that one day the light will come and I will be able to be peaceful, be open, be the real me completely. How do I do that, how do I find that, how does this work? How can I make this panic leave my body, leave my heart and my mind. How can I make myself believe it will be okay...I have done this on my own thing for 3 years now so nothing should be different right? Ideally yes but in the back of my mind I knew that he and I would work it out so really I was not alone, I still felt some security knowing that once we ironed out a few issues we would be okay and living back together again. Now that this is not going to happen I must face my fear of being alone, yes I have my boys and they are with me essentially half of the month but that part of me that yearns for a real relationship a real partner will probably only get worse before I am comfortable with the idea of honestly being alone. Then and only then will I be healthy enough to try again...damn I need to find a hobby.
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