Back at it again...

Day 1)
So I have recently come to the conclusion that my marriage will never be what I wanted and hoped it would be.  We had been in counseling for 11 months when through a fight I discovered that even though I thought things were working out in actuality it was misleading.  I contacted my attorney and instructed her to proceed with the divorce.  We have been separated for almost 3 years and in that time some things did change but not nearly enough for us to be a fully functional couple.  In the last 3 weeks things have gone from a bit scary to realizing that it is inevitable.  He has told me that once he signs the papers that will be it, he does not want to hear from or see me again...all the while sending me emails professing his love about all the good things he remembers, writing poetry (if you will) about different parts of my body, my eyes, my lips my ears etc.  He is trying to keep me from going through with it.  I understand and know he loves me in his way, but what I have seen is not the way I deserve to be loved.  I am not one who really wants for anything material, just the basics but when I did get a present from him it usually was something he wanted or he could use, like taking me to a Jane's addiction concert for our anniversary...I don't like Jane's addiction but he does, I was only going because he wanted someone to go with him and then it somehow turned into an anniversary thing...I do love him greatly but I cannot be with someone who when angry thinks it is okay to say the things he has said to me...things I would never even say to someone who was just a friend let alone the supposed love of his life...My decision is final and I will not nor can I turn things around.  Some times no matter how much you love someone things just do not work out.  I hate it but I love who I have become living separate from him and I know at this point if I were to call it off and go running back things would go back to the way there were sooner rather than later.  So I sit here now writing to get things out so that I don't explode.  I am scared about being truly alone, I have friends of course but I so want to have that certain connection with someone, to find that guy who is just like me, that guy who gets me and has enough confidence that my moments of solitude does not affect his feelings of worth.  I can say that for almost 3 years I have slowly been realizing my soon to be ex's differences from me so I believe that it will not take me all that long to bounce back.  Still that idea of dating, how do you do it when you are 36 divorced with 3 young children???  I originally stated that I would not likely date anyone until the boys were older and that may or may not happen.  What I do know is that I will have a complete idea of who I am, exactly what I want and what I will not put up with (though I am pretty certain on that already) before I attempt to get out there again. I need to find a hobby or an interest that gets me out of the house...not sure will have to think about that one...